Karayannis Family

December 22-passing time

2012-02-14T18:01:00.001-05:00

I wish I could say with certainty what happened on this day. I don’t remember. I’m sure it involved sitting, taking Motrin, snuggling with Aaron while watching Christmas shows, and staring into space trying to process all the ways I was missing Mara. Christmas was getting closer, and so was my Christmas Eve due date. I do remember I was very sad on this day and the next, and I was disappointed that I felt that way after our amazing open house the night before. I know now that the ups and downs are normal, and can be triggered by so many different things.

I needed to wrap gifts and decide on Christmas meals. I didn’t have the spirit to do either. I spent time avoiding online communication and looking at tanzanite jewelry. We weren’t sleeping well and we were tired. Being awake alone at night was awful, but not nearly as awful as waking up each morning and realizing again that Mara wasn’t with us. Chris and I have gone to bed together every night since Mara died, even to this day as I write this entry. That is something we occasionally did before, each of us having something to do from night to night, grading, watching something, scrapping, something. After Mara died, a new bond grew between us, and we have clung to each other closely ever since and handled each other tenderly. My husband is an incredible man and he has shown his strength and sensitivity through every awful moment. I have never loved him or needed more than I did in these weeks following Mara’s death. Losing a child is one of the most stressful life events someone can experience, and it can often put terrible strain on marriages. That seems to come about primarily when spouses have different ways of expressing and coping with their grief, which Chris and I most certainly do. Fortunately, perhaps, we already knew that before Mara died, and our communication more than bridges the gap.

I spent a lot of time during these days reading through materials the hospital gave us and looking for online grief resources. I found a lot of quotes that seemed to express exactly what we were feeling. Here’s one that cut right through me:

“She will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn't go away; it becomes part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving because I will never stop loving. That's just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don't get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.”
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere

December 21-our open house

2012-02-13T17:26:00.001-05:00

Today was really about our open house. I didn’t take any pictures from this night…it just seemed too strange. I don’t regret that decision at this point, but I do need to sit down and make a list of the people who came to see us. We asked Scott to let our friends at Edison know about our open house, which was really about a visit to us, not a visitation to Mara’s body. It was a risky thing, and we didn’t know how it would go, what it would feel like, or how many people we would see. There are people close to us who have experienced losses of their own, or who are currently expecting children themselves, and we couldn’t guess who might just think it was too sad a thing to come to an open house and make pleasantries. People don’t know what to say…but we don’t either. We just wanted to try something, and this was something that made sense to us and felt like our style. In a situation like this, you can only do what feels right to you, because there is not a map for this journey.

Chris and my Dad went to Costco and got plenty of food and my Mom and Ashley worked on cleaning the main level of the house. I wore purple, to feel connected to my girl, and just waited to see what would happen. When people started arriving, and more people kept arriving, bringing flowers and food and hugs…it was an incredible thing, and Chris and I recognize that it was one of the most special experiences of our lives. It got pretty noisy in the house…everyone was together and talking. I stayed seated the whole evening after trying to stand for the first 20 minutes and finding it too hard on my whole incision area. People would come and sit next to me and talk to me for a few minutes and then get up and continue mingling while someone new would come and sit beside me. All in all I count about 45 people who came that night.

It was just amazing in so many ways.

First…The love and support truly helps. A thing about grieving…you don’t want anyone you care about to experience the pain you’re feeling, but at the same time, it is comforting to know that others want to help carry the burden. Man we felt loved that night, no doubt about it. We are so fortunate to be part of such an incredible group of people and if I made a gift casserole every night for the rest of my life it would never be enough to repay every one of our colleagues and friends who came that evening to give us their love and support.

Second…it gave us a chance to talk about Mara, about the things that happened the night she died, and about how we were feeling at that stage in our grieving process. For me, talking is part of healing. I know that socializing the grief is not everyone’s way…but I needed that just as much as I needed time to cry alone.

Third…many people from Ashley’s school came to support her as well. It was extremely heartwarming to see her community of friends and the way she has had an impact on the people she works with. I appreciated their presence very much.

Fourth…Aaron got to play with Lainy and Cameron. I loved to see them running around and having a good time. It felt normal. Normal moments add up, and people told me those moments would become more frequent with time. I have found that to be true.

Finally, and most importantly, it reminded us of our lives, of what we did and what we were before this awful thing happened to us, and of the things that were important to us. It was like seeing yourself in a mirror after a long day at work. You may see a haggard and worn person there, but at least it’s familiar. And that was a feeling that I let wash over me all night. Oh that’s right, these are my friends. They complimented our Christmas tree, oh that’s right, Christmas is coming. They talked about what was going on at school, oh that’s right, we love our jobs. I was very numb and overwhelmed that night…I had the feeling I was disconnected, floating over the room watching myself sit there and smile and nod and answer questions, but it was the first time I felt like there was really hope for us to live through this and come out on the other side with happy lives. That’s what our open house did for us.

When we went up to bed that night, completely exhausted, we reflected on the night and how it had turned out to be exactly what we needed. I felt so hopeful and loved that night. The next couple days were horrible and difficult and I felt so low, but the love from that night has lasted, and bolsters me in my saddest moments. So many people were ready to love our sweet girl. They have all taken that love and passed it to us when we needed it most.

It’s time to go back to work

2012-02-12T17:27:00.001-05:00

I haven’t been able to make all the posts from the time I have been on leave yet, but they will be coming. However, I feel very strongly about making this post as I take this ultimate step in healing, returning to work.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the morning after Mara died, when I was watching that beautiful sunrise, the thought crossed my mind that I may never want to teach again. Because I want to be patient and open through the whole grieving process, I never mentally scold myself for any thoughts I have along the way, no matter how alarming they may be. That morning when everything was so raw and foreign, I thought that maybe I would never be strong enough to teach again. It takes an awful lot of mettle, especially when you love it. It also takes an incredible emotional investment in other people, colleagues and students, and that sometimes results in disappointment and heartbreak. I realized that having such a public job, so focused on people, and so surrounded by people, would mean that many people were touched by our loss and that going back to school would mean facing a crushing flood of memories. I considered that it could possibly be time to transition to something less public and and less stressful. Something that actually started at 9 and truly ended at 5, where I could show up, do a simple job, and go home. While I was laying in that bed watching that sunrise and having those thoughts, the core of me that was buried far below layers of shock shouted something about how the Earth must have tilted on its axis for me to think such things and that it was contrary to everything I have wanted and planned for…but so was Mara’s death. I decided to wait it out and see how I felt. I was afraid, I know that. I was afraid of not knowing myself, and not being able to go back to the way life was. Of course we can’t go back, and that is a large part of what we grieve. We can’t let it go, we can’t set the burden down. We have to simply move forward with it.

I have come to realize that there are many hard things about going back to work. The very fact that I can be at work is a constant reminder that I’m not at home with Mara. It will hurt, and help, to face all the students who I knew before this happened and who were there with me sharing the journey of my pregnancy. I went in for the teacher workdays as I had planned to do anyway, and it hurt to see colleagues avoid eye contact because they don’t know what to say. It hurts to imagine that when people look at me they think, “oh how sad, she’s never been quite the same since her daughter died.” Well, I’m not the same. I feel quieter, slower somehow. What if the things that are different about me cause my relationships to change? I’m sensitive and raw…and conflicts come up constantly in teaching. What if I burst into tears when a student speaks to me in a disrespectful way? What if I just can’t hang anymore? What if I have no spark and the parts of my personality that used to allow me to connect with my students have been damaged, and that ability is gone?

And worst of all, going back to school means that life is going on…without Mara. Facing the memories that school holds of pregnancy and planning for her arrival in our family is painful, but taking another step away from her is the hardest thing I have ever had to make myself do. In many ways it is far easier to stay here at home and let myself think about her all day, look at her things whenever I want to, and cry whenever the tears come. Moving forward without her hurts so much and is so hard, which is how I know it is exactly what I need to do.

The video below, along with a booklet of all the signs the students are holding up in the video, was given to Chris by his leadership students when he went back to work on January 3rd. We looked through it all together, along with countless other cards, notes and emails that we received from our colleagues and students at Edison expressing their sorrow for our loss and their willingness to reach out and help us bear our burden of pain. Although I know some of these students casually because they are in Chris' class, I have only had a few of them in class myself. As leadership students, they are committed to bettering themselves and our school with their creativity and service, and as you will see, they are nothing less than inspiring. I just love them for it.

Watch this. Period. And turn up your sound.

Watch it if you are mourning Mara's death.

Watch it if you are thinking teenagers are a blight on humanity.

Watch it if you know these kids because you teach them too.

Watch it if you just need to feel a little love.

Love, Leadership

This is why we can take a step forward and go back to school. This is what I think of in the dark of night when I am alone and lost. This is why we teach, and this is how I knew that going back to work was the right thing for me to do. If our daughter saw this, she would be proud of her parents, proud that we make a difference in people's lives, and that we are part of a community of love and support that we both contribute to and benefit from. Going back to work is about being the best version of myself that I can be. It's part of who I am. THAT is how I honor Mara and serve as a role model for Aaron. I have had my time for crying and screaming and silence and solitude. While the deep feelings of grief and the pain of this loss will always be with us, I know I can still have a happy life, and that teaching is part of it.

December 20-making arrangements

2012-02-12T15:28:00.001-05:00

Today was our appointment at the funeral home to make arrangements for Mara’s body. It was something we dreaded but had to get done, and it was also my first trip out of the house since Mara died. We chose the funeral home Chris used when his Dad died, because it’s close to our house, and because we already knew of it, and why on Earth would you spend more time researching such a thing than you absolutely have to? We decided that we would go to Costco afterwards just to have a chance to be out and about together, feel the cold air, walk around, hold on to each other, and actually pick up some groceries.

While we were in the hospital, we had some hard decisions to make about Mara. It’s impossible to plan for such a thing, and I can honestly say that we initially had no idea where to begin or how we could even make ourselves speak words about something as horrible as what to do with our daughter’s body. Hearing people ask about “Mara’s remains” was too much to bear. Eventually, we did begin to talk about it while sitting and holding on to each other and crying. At first we could only identify what we didn’t want to do, and then eventually we were able to develop plans.

We didn’t want to visit a baby grave, and we didn’t have a location that was especially sacred to us as far as Mara was concerned. We also knew we didn’t want to have a funeral service for her, especially not in a funeral home that we had no connection to. We wanted a personal way to let Mara’s body go and a way to connect with our loved ones without a tearful service given by an officiant who didn’t know us or our daughter. What we ultimately decided on was inspired by Aaron’s understanding of what happened to his baby sister and an image I had in my mind of sending Mara off. I imagined standing in a high place with my arms stretched up into the sky and wind carrying her away. When I shared that with Chris, it resonated with him and he felt like it sounded like the best possible thing we could do. So we made arrangements for our baby girl to be cremated, and then we would take her ashes into the mountains together, just the two of us, to release them. We wanted to do it sometime in January while my parents were still here so we could leave Aaron with them. After we talked about it, we became more and more comfortable with the idea and it gave us a bit of peace to have it decided.

As far as a service, we decided that instead of something focused on Mara’s body, we wanted a chance to see our friends and let them see us, especially before Christmas. We wanted to help people feel a bit of closure before the Christmas holiday, and we wanted to feel like we had done something in Mara’s honor that was separate from Christmas so that we could try to focus on having a special Christmas with Aaron. We asked our dear friend and department chair to spread the word for us that we would be having an open house on Wednesday evening.

When it was finally time to go to the funeral home, we just wanted to get in and out of there as quickly as we could. Since we were not doing a service our arrangements really did not take very long. The woman who was working with us was efficient and soft-spoken, thankfully. Chris did most of the talking, we paid for Mara’s cremation and we headed out. It was quicker and less awful than I was afraid of. This was, of course, because of shock, because it hard to imagine something more awful than handing over a credit card to pay for someone to take your baby’s body and turn it to ash. Shock and numbness is merciful in this way. It allows you to function through the unthinkable.

We did walk around Costco afterwards, and for reasons that make no sense whatsoever, that hurt me much more deeply than being in the funeral home. I felt completely overwhelmed by walking around a crowded busy place. I felt sensitive and raw and afraid, and I saw pregnant women and babies everywhere. There was one woman in particular with an infant car seat in her cart carrying a very small baby girl, and I couldn’t understand how she could be in every aisle we turned down. By the time we were checking out, my pain was flaring up and I just wanted to hide in my bed. This kind of social anxiety was totally new to me and forced me to do a lot of thinking about how much our lives had changed in such a short time. What the heck is wrong with me, being afraid of walking around Costco? How long can that go on? This is what I mean by not recognizing one’s self when you are lost in grief.

December 19-going home with empty arms

2012-02-11T23:08:00.001-05:00

I got to go home today. I took these pictures with my camera (unlike the previous ones which were all with a phone) and was struck by the lovely view I could see now that I was standing up and walking around the room. I wanted to go home so badly and start feeling normal…but I was dreading that scene where the bereaved parents walk out of the hospital with empty arms, and drive home without their baby. I dreaded it for two days.

I got a real honest to goodness shower this morning, a warm one (that water never really got hot), with very little pain in my body, and it felt really good to wash my hair and just stand under that water. Our doctor came in to see us. We love her. She is amazing. One of the things that struck us about her and our two other caregivers, the nurse who took care of me on the OB floor right after my c-section, and the nurse who cared for me up on the surgical floor for both days of my stay, is that we could see Mara’s death was a loss for them too. They felt it deeply and provided such strong and tender care. They were just phenomenal and I can’t say enough about the care we have always received at these military facilities. Aaron’s care was superb during the entire process of his surgery and mine has been too. I’m very grateful for that.

We were also seen by some patient care representatives today who made a birth document for us and brought us some more information on the grieving process and available support. We also contacted the funeral home we had chosen to use to make arrangements for them to come and get Mara’s body from the hospital. We scheduled a meeting with them for the 20th. There were so many things to think of. It’s overwhelming. It’s amazing we got through those things as smoothly as we did, and I am so thankful that Chris and I were of one mind through the whole process. I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been if we were in conflict over how we wanted to proceed.

We asked Mom and Dad to just stay at home with Aaron since we were going to be discharged soon…knowing how long THAT part of Aaron’s surgery took, we weren’t optimistic about how quickly the process would be completed, but our doctor was totally on it and had everything in order very quickly. I think we left the hospital about 10:30 or 11.

Before we left, though, Chris and I had a long conversation with my nurse. She is an Army nurse, and she and Chris shared stories about why and how they joined the Army and the paths their careers took them on, including around the world. They were both emotional during the conversation and once again, I was impressed by the commitment and camaraderie and shared experience of service members. It was especially touching because she had displayed a rather serious and reserved personality prior to this very personal conversation. Then she explained my discharge instructions and my medications and reminded me that I had lost a lot of blood and needed to take iron. After that, we prepared to say our goodbyes, but it was obvious that she had more to say. She and I were sitting on the couch by the window and the sun was shining on our shoulders. She turned to me and was immediately choked up as she began to talk. She told me that when she saw my chart, she thought of her best friend, also named Kim, who has lost 4 babies. My nurse is a surgical nurse and although she did some OB/GYN work many years ago, she had not cared for someone who had lost a baby, so she called her friend Kim for advice and asked her, “What do I say to my patient? How do I do a good job, and be a good nurse to her?” And her friend Kim simply said, “Tell her it’s not her fault.” So my nurse held my hands and looked me right in the eyes while fighting back her own tears of empathy and said, “It’s not your fault. Mara is still your daughter, and Aaron is still her brother. She will always be a part of your family.” She leaned in to give me a bone-crushing hug and I think a choked out a thank you. I will never forget her care for us or that conversation on the couch. It has become one of those fiercely held memories that make up the tiny period of time of Mara’s life. It’s strange, the kinship that grew between us with these people that cared for us, and how tightly I cling to those memories. We have so little, that those things mean so much.

She brought us a wheelchair for our departure. I wanted to walk, because being in the wheelchair reminded me of the night we arrived at the hospital, and walking is part of healing. But she told me I have the rest of my life to walk and that I needed to let myself be taken care of for a while. So Chris wheeled me down to the door and then we left the chair there and I walked to the car holding on to Chris’ arm with a desperately tight grip. I wore my flip-flops and left my sweatshirt open…I wanted to feel the cold air on my skin and be refreshed. That walk, the empty arms walk, it is every bit as horrible as you’ve imagined, only worse. Everything about this is a complete nightmare. Only it’s one you wake up to every morning, not one you can wake up from. I remember thinking many times that I just wanted to wake up and have this all be gone…like some horrible dream. There is something so crippling about living through something like this, and knowing that nothing in the the world can reverse it.

The drive home was hard. I remember crying. I called Minnieland to let them know Aaron would be out of school for the week before Christmas. It was the first phone call I had to make to explain Mara’s death and it was excruciating. The people at Minnieland were shocked and sad, and I knew we had many more phone calls like that ahead of us. I had imagined making that call under the exact opposite set of circumstances. I wanted to be telling them that Aaron would be out of school because his baby sister was home, not because she had died. I knew then that I had a lifetime of realizations like that ahead of me too. Even so, I was glad that “first time” was over with, and I was even gladder to be home.

I don’t remember much else about this day at this point. I think this may be the day I called my sister to talk to her about Mara myself for the first time. I think Chris made many phone calls to family over these couple of days that I wasn’t in the room for. I think I got sore and took a long nap, although it’s entirely possible that happened on a different night, or multiple nights. My pain was still pretty wicked every time my Motrin wore off but it was frustrating to just sit around the house and watch things go on around me. Actually, I can’t imagine what else I would have done even if I had the ability to spring out of my chair.

December 18-the day after

2012-02-11T13:37:00.001-05:00

Now having overcome the huge hurdle of posting for the 17th, we have been preparing posts for the days following Mara’s death. I remember even less of the details from these days as we numbly made decisions and my body started to heal.

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I got very little sleep last night as I was being moved to a different room on the surgical ward and being wakened every two hours for monitoring. I had these compression leg huggers on to keep my blood moving that squeezed my legs every couple of minutes. The pain medicine I was given worked very well but every time it wore off I was in a lot of pain and needed more. During one of the times I was awake in that endless dark night, I sent a short text to family and close local friends that Mara had been stillborn. It was not an hour for people to be awake, so it was a while before I received replies, and I hated to think of people waking up and seeing that text, but I felt a need to speak it, and let people know that she was gone and that I was physically okay.That night was very lonely.

I was awake early in the morning and saw this sunrise through my hospital window. I remember being so grateful that it wasn’t dark anymore, and wanting that brightness streaming in my window and thinking of how beautiful it was, orange and purple, and from that time forward I have associated purple and beauty from nature with Mara. I also would come to learn that the dark of night would be an awful time to be awake and alone with my thoughts. Sleep was the only relief from the sadness that I was still too numb to feel.

Chris was at home with Aaron and Ashley and was planning to tell Aaron about Mara when he woke up. I felt very sad that he had to do that alone. There were a lot of hard things he had to do alone these couple of days. But the only alternative was driving back to the hospital with Aaron in the car thinking he was on his way to meet Mara for the first time, so that was the way it had to be.

Chris called me after they had gotten up and talked and told me about how the conversation went with Aaron. Aaron had been very sad and asked why Mara died. Chris told him that her heart stopped beating and that we didn’t know why. Then, in the way that children find to explain things, Aaron told Chris that her whole body was lifted up into the sky to heaven. That was something he imagined in his own mind and we thought it sounded just lovely to us.

I wanted the boys to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I felt a strong need to see Aaron and hold his warm little body and squeeze him and remember that some things were still as they had been before. I also did not want to spend time apart from Chris, the person who most closely shared this loss and these feelings. I waited and waited and watched the clock and texted until they got there, and was so relieved when they arrived. One of the things I texted while I was waiting was this picture of the breathing device I had to use, just like what Aaron loved using in the hospital after his surgery.

At the time that I sent it, it made me smile, something that connected Aaron and I, but in later days it struck me as such an odd thing to focus on… and I know now it is proof of the stumbling numbness of shock.

When the boys arrived they worked on Aaron’s new Prince of Persia Legos together, normal as could be. I remember feeling grateful to Christina and Nathan for choosing such perfect gifts for him, and was relieved he had something new to occupy him at the hospital. Aaron hugged me and rubbed my hair and Chris gently put him on the bed so I could hug him.

Sometime during this day I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom with a nurse to have a rinse off. It hurt really badly to get up, but I felt okay for most of the rinse. Part of the way through, the pain intensified and I became dizzy and nauseous. From that time on, everything got easier every time I tried it. That has been true of every part of this process, both the grieving and the physical healing. The first time I try something, like standing that day in the hospital, or being in public, or speaking to someone we know about Mara, the pain is sharp and intense and real. The only comfort in it is knowing that the “first time” is over and that the second and third time you have to do something, it can’t possibly be as hard as the first.

Sometime (I’m fuzzy on a lot of details, as you can see) in the afternoon Greg and Neecers and Eric came to the hospital to see us. It was the first time I had seen anyone, and now looking back, I still had cried remarkably little (except for lots of slow silent tears in that first dark night, and one short sobbing spell that was interrupted by a blood pressure check) and I wonder if I seemed “okay” on the outside, since that’s how I felt I seemed. On the inside…who really knows. Nothing was sinking in, nothing was touching me deeply, everything seemed dull and far away and unreal. I was grateful that Greg and Neecers brought Eric so that Aaron could have a bit of “normal” fun. I could only imagine the stress and tension and sadness that would become part of his daily life in the next few weeks. They also offered to take Aaron home with them to play for a few hours so I could have a chance to take a good long nap before Ashley arrived with my parents from the airport. I didn’t want to be away from him, but I knew Legos in a hospital room could only keep him happy for so long, and I did get a good long rest out of the deal.

I ate, I slept, nurses came and went, and Chris stayed with me. I learned that if I was up and about and not needing to be hooked up to anything, I could leave the next morning. I really did want to get unhooked from all the lines, and so I started taking my pain medication orally rather than getting it through the IV. I think that sometime during this day various people from the hospital came and talked to us about what arrangements we wanted to make for Mara’s body but for the first several rounds we told people that asked that we had no idea what we wanted to do yet.

Our doctor came in to repeat the things she had learned about the placenta and the cord. The information about placental weakness and malformation was very interesting to us and helped us understand how Mara died. I was hungry for information…things that were definite and factual. I wanted to know exactly what I was grieving.

Now, writing this, I can’t believe how much of this day that I don’t remember. I remember so many awful details of the night Mara died…and I started keeping a journal on January 7th, but the shock that comes with trauma and loss has wiped away many of my memories of the days in between. I can’t remember when Chris and I first talked about what we wanted to do with Mara’s body, and I can’t remember who came in to talk to us when. I do remember some things with deep emotion, like how much I clung to Chris while I was in the hospital and needed the reassurance of his presence more than I had ever needed to be near another person. I was terrified of being alone without him. I remember the people who cared for me in the hospital and their compassion and sensitivity. The loss of a child is hard for all people to deal with on every level. There were very few awkward moments with our caregivers…they were all so compassionate and informative and helpful. They were not afraid to express their sadness and their desire to be helpful, they spoke Mara’s name and helped us feel comfortable with verbalizing our grief and confusion. Our incredible doctor and nurses honestly became the standard by which I judged other people’s ability to communicate with us about Mara. That’s unfair, because they are professionals who deal with these kinds of situations, and they are not members of our family or friends who were emotionally connected to us and the baby girl we had all been waiting for, but nevertheless I found myself wishing that people could act more like them instead of not speaking Mara’s name, or not being able to look us in the eyes.

Ashley stopped by on her way to the airport and looked at some of the things the hospital had given us. It was hard. I kept trying to hold back my tears while we were in the hospital. I wanted to cry with Chris, or alone, in my own bedroom, not in a place where someone could come in at any moment and check my blood pressure or knead my stomach painfully.

Ash went to the airport to bring my parents and they came to the room for a short visit. It was hard to see them upset and crying. I wanted so badly to just cry in private and let it out, but seeing my parents cry made it hard to hold back.

I know I seemed numb…like nothing was really sinking in. I could feel it. I am grateful that I understand myself well enough to realize what I was going through, but the numbness is frightening. You don’t recognize yourself, you don’t recognize your life. You wonder if you are still in there anywhere. The first time I wondered that I cried and cried, and I was really scared. In the coming days I focused on concrete things that made sense, since losing Mara didn’t: Aaron’s daily activities, deep gratitude that I was physically safe and healthy despite potential dangers of a placental abruption, the beauty of the flowers we received, looking at jewelry in Mara’s birthstone, sunrises like the one I watched through my hospital window the first morning after Mara, eating meals that I could barely taste, let alone enjoy, and the ever important measurement of time that marked when I was allowed to take more Motrin. After I got home, every time I felt better I tried to do a bit too much and would find myself hurting again. After a stern warning from my dear friend who pushed herself too hard after a c-section and ended up needing additional surgery, I slowed down and let myself rest.

Ashley and Aaron and my parents went home together and Chris stayed the night with me. I was so so grateful that he was staying and that my parents were at our house to support Ash and Aaron. Sometime that day Chris and I decided on our plans for Mara’s body and the plans felt good, and put us a bit at ease. I got unhooked from everything and got a much better night’s sleep.

December 17th-Mara’s story

2012-02-11T08:22:00.001-05:00

If you follow our blog, first, thank you. We are glad you're here. Second, you have probably noticed that we have stalled out on December 16th, and you probably know, or have guessed why. Because right now, there are two divisions of time in our lives, before Mara died, and after Mara died. To read the story posted here for December 17th is continue down the same road that we, our family, and our friends have been careening down since 11:55 pm on that day, when our daughter, Mara Olivia Karayannis, passed away. There is no going back to what life was before and this blog is a perfectly concrete representation of that. December 17th is the day she was born, but it was also the day she died. When a child is stillborn, do you even get to say she was "born?" These are the things you think about when you lose a child.

Why are we recording this? Why on Earth would we want to write it all down, reliving it while we do so, publish it for people to see, and subject those we love and care about to the details of this tragedy? Because this is Mara's story. She is our daughter and this is all we have of her. Our memories. To ignore any part of the story is to deny her. How could we ignore what little we have? Every second we had with her is precious, and we believe her short life deserves to be recorded and remembered, just as much as Aaron riding a bike, having surgery, or eating his dinner. It is comforting to walk through the details of this strange and horrible day and commit them to writing. We study history, we crave records. They make something more real, they help us remember, and they allow others to be touched by stories that they did not witness. It has taken us a while to sit down together and get this recorded. It is deeply emotional and our memories are imperfect, scarred by trauma. Doubtless other people we saw and spoke with on the 17th could add to this story, and to the continuing story of how we are living through our grief since that day. We would love to hear from anyone who has a memory to share. I felt as if I needed to get this written down before I could continue moving forward. It is a major milestone in the grieving process for me.

Read about our daughter and share the burden of our pain for a while. We know that she will touch your life as she has done ours, and hope that you will run to the people you love and hold them tight, simply because they are there. If this story brings anyone a sharper focus on what REMAINS through grieving what is LOST, then Mara's memory is truly a treasure.

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The morning of the 17th I woke up early. I don't remember exactly when but it was certainly between 3-5:30. The past few weeks I had developed a horrible tendency to wake up at 3:45 in the morning, even on school days. Once I was awake there was no going back to sleep because I was large and uncomfortable. I had a full day of social Christmas fun ahead of me so I went downstairs to relax in Chris' chair, watch a Christmas movie and scrap a bit. Sometime in the 6 o'clock hour I started chatting online with my dear friend Andrea, who is on UK time. We talked about me waking up early, me being ready to have this baby, the plans I had for that day and about scrapping. I made a two-page spread of Aaron's first Christmas that morning. I still have that chat archive, and it was so strange, and very haunting, to go back and read it. I wish I could scream at that version of myself to get up and go to the hospital and demand they deliver that baby girl. If only. Chris had a leadership event at school, a babysitting fundraiser from 10-3. We were planning to meet up with him near school later in the day for part of the Christmas fun. Aaron woke up at some point and Chris headed up to school. Aaron and I got dressed and ready for the day, but I hadn't told him about all the fun stuff we were packing in. All the while I was thinking it would be a really perfect weekend for our baby to arrive. I was ready school-wise, and we just couldn't wait to meet her. I was 39 weeks pregnant. We did so much on this day, saw so many people, it was such a normal day, it’s just still so hard to understand how things turned out the way they did.

The first thing I had planned that day was to walk down the street to see Santa ride by on a local fire truck. This happens in our neighborhood every year but for some reason we have never caught it. Sometime around 11, we walked down the street together, it was a really cold morning, and as the fire truck came slowly down our street I told Aaron who was on it.

He was really excited to see the big fire engine, wave to Santa, and most of all, collect the pieces of candy that Santa and his elves threw from the truck. He grabbed handfuls, and picked out five pieces to give to Girl-Cameron, because we were going over to their house for a playdate next. We walked back up the street and when we got in the house I had to sit down for a bit. I felt like the baby was riding low, and my back was uncomfortable, and I was thinking that maybe we could be getting close. I talked to Chris on the phone as we were walking down to see Santa drive by and told him I was feeling kinda rough, and he said it would be a good day to have our baby. Aaron and I had a quick snack at home and then we drove up to see Colleen and Cameron. Aaron watched Rudolph in the car on the way up. He was excited for the playdate, but what we hadn't told the kids yet was that we were also going to see Santa for pictures in the mall.

We had a great visit with Col and Cam. The kids ran around crazy, and I remember that Aaron was particularly wild and not very well behaved that day. I complained to Chris about it on the phone. While the kids were playing in the basement and Colleen and I were on the couch talking, I was trying to get in a comfortable position because I felt the baby really low and I was feeling the familiar pressure in my pelvis. The second I said that to Colleen, she said, "I swear this is true, and you're going to think I'm just saying it because of what you just said, but I was looking at your stomach and I swear I saw it shift." When we were sitting upstairs, and I was checking out their new chair, we joked that it would not be very good to have my water break on the new chair. The kids exchanged Christmas gifts and boy was Aaron excited!

After a little coordination on the phone with Chris, we worked out that he would be able to join us all for Santa pictures. Colleen and Cameron and Aaron and I drove over to Springfield Mall to see Santa. We visited Santa together a couple of times in prior years, thinking it would help the kids with Santa fears that are common around that age. This time, they both did great. Chris ran up just as we were getting ready to have our turn, and the kids were both adorable talking to Santa. We love that Santa. Aaron has seen the same one every year since he was born and he is the genuine article. Aaron talked to him about his favorite kind of cookie that he puts out every year, pixies, and Santa went right along with it and told him how much he likes them too.

Here’s Aaron and I right before we left the mall.

After Cameron and Aaron both had turns with Santa, we said goodbye and went on to our next set of plans, meeting Ashley and Christina and Nathan for our annual dinner at Shane's Rib Shack followed by Collingwood Christmas Light viewing. Aaron and I were in my car following Chris in his car and Chris and I were talking to each other on the phone for the entire drive because we wanted to make sure we knew where we were going. I began having contractions around 4:30, while we were driving to dinner. I talked to Chris about them on the phone, telling him they kept coming, but they weren't intense or painful yet. I had so many fake contractions with this pregnancy, for weeks, which I never had with Aaron, so I wasn't sure if these were going to be the real thing, but I was hopeful.

We got to dinner and met with our friends and Ashley. Part of the dinner included exchanging gifts, but I had completely forgotten to grab Christina's gift before we left home for Col and Cam's house. They brought TONS of gifts for our family. They bought Aaron three sets of Prince of Persia Legos, which he has been begging for for at least a year. He was really excited, and not very well-behaved at dinner either. Ashley got jewelry, and they brought lots of gifts for our baby girl. A humidifier, two toys I had on the baby registry, and a pink glittery tutu that Christina had made. She said she knew it was kinda early for such a gift, but I just loved it and immediately thought of how I would put it around her tiny self and prop her bottom up while she was sleeping for an adorable photo. After we left dinner, Aaron got a stern scolding in the car for his behavior at dinner and we combined cars so we could be together for the light viewing. These lights are really something else, animated and set to music that you tune into on a radio station in your car while you watch from the road. Everyone piled into the Durango so we could watch together. We loved them, as usual.

I was still having tight contractions off and on at that point, but they still weren't painful, and they weren't getting stronger.

After watching the lights for a while, we split up into our own cars again and Ashley headed out to her faculty Christmas party while Chris and Aaron and I drove home. I think we got home somewhere in the 8:30 time frame. Aaron had fallen asleep on the way home, so we got him into bed. Chris got on his computer for a bit, and I got on facetime with my parents, who were preparing for the family to arrive at their house for their annual Christmas gathering. I remember that I was having contractions during that time, but I didn't want to say anything just yet in case they ended up not being the real thing. Cameron wanted to talk to Aaron, but he was already asleep. He was walking around NanaGrampy's house in a cute Christmas outfit playing with the marching penguin toy. I can't remember how long we stayed on the facetime call, but they were getting ready for their party and I made myself a molten lava cake from the freezer while we talked. Chris and I wanted to get some rest in case this did end up being the real thing, because we had both gotten such crummy sleep and had long busy days and were really exhausted. By 9:30, my contractions had begun increasing in intensity, hurting a bit, and coming closer together. Chris and I thought this really could be the night! Following lessons learned during Aaron's labor, I took some Tylenol, drank a lot of water and laid down to see if that lessened the contractions in any way. I felt my baby girl move at 9:40, just like I felt her every hour of every day for the past 4 months. She was a mover, this little lady. The contractions did not lessen, and at 9:45, while I was laying on my side in bed, I felt a sensation that I thought must have been my water breaking. That didn't happen when I was in labor with Aaron, so I didn't know what to expect. Chris was with me in bed, and I said, "Oh! I think my water broke!" and quickly went to the bathroom. When I got there, though, I found that I was bleeding. I didn't have any bleeding when I was in labor with Aaron either, so it was hard for me to gauge how much was normal. It wasn't rushing out, but I still felt concerned, so we called Labor and Delivery to ask. The nurse we spoke to talked to us about the kind and amount of bleeding that would be considered normal and we thanked her and hung up. While I was sitting there, I tried my best to calm myself down. I told myself that I had just felt her, that we had been at an OB appointment the day before and heard her healthy heartbeat, and that I needed to keep myself from getting too anxious. The nurse said that if we really felt worried, we should go ahead and come in. We were unfamiliar with any bleeding parts of labor, and I was still bleeding and feeling worried, and Chris called back and said we were coming in right then. As we gathered a few last minute items and I got dressed, I felt worried, but I didn't feel scared. Before we went into the hospital to have Aaron I took a shower and got myself all comfortable and ready, and I had been planning to do that this time too, but when it came down it, we just wanted to go. I'm glad that's what we did. We were not able to get in touch with anyone to come to the house to be with Aaron, and we knew that if we called any of our friends and asked them to come down it would be at least 30 minutes before anyone could get there, so we got him out of bed and took him with us. I took this picture with his iPod after we got him out of bed, because like so many other small details I photographed that seem so silly and trivial now, I thought this would be an awesome moment for him and his sister to look back on some day.

Taking him with us certainly wasn't part of our plan, and we really didn't want him there under the best of circumstances, let alone having him there the way things turned out. But we didn't want to wait, and he was so tired that he slept on the way there. We called my parents to tell them we were going to the hospital because I was pretty sure I was in labor, but we didn't mention the bleeding, because for all we knew, it could still have been really normal. At this point my contractions were getting quite painful and intense, the way they felt when we drove to the hospital to have Aaron. I still felt a little worried, but because I had felt her move at 9:40 and was actually in labor, I still believed everything was fine and that we were going to have our baby. I did not have any idea or hint or fear in my mind that she was not okay.

We left home between 10:30 and 11, and the drive to the hospital was about 25 minutes. We asked Ashley to meet us there so she could pick up Aaron and take him home. Chris dropped me off at the front door and got me in a wheel chair and then went to park the car. While I was waiting for them to come in, I took a moment to document my cute pregnant pedicure.

When he and Aaron came in, we went up to the Labor and Delivery floor and I was wheeled right into the screening area where they put expectant moms on the monitors to check everything before admitting you and taking you back to a room. Initially, I was laying down and getting external monitors on my belly and Aaron was sitting at the edge of the room with his iPod while Chris stood at the end of the bed. The first nurse that came in then started to look for a heartbeat with the external monitor and kept moving it around trying to find out how she was positioned. That had happened at a couple of prenatal appointments so I still felt comfortable with what was going on. After a few minutes, she said she was going to get someone else to come in and try to help. I started to become very scared at this point, and Chris came up on my left side to hold my hand. I felt panic starting to set in very quickly and things became a bit hazy. The second person to come in went to get an ultrasound machine and after a few moments of still not being able to find the heartbeat, they called a doctor. She came in quickly and efficiently and said she was going to try to find the heartbeat. She asked when I had last felt her move. I was staring at the ultrasound screen and started to clutch at the doctor's jacket as my panic quickly became hysterical sobbing and talking. I know I was saying, "No, no, we just heard her yesterday, I just felt her, no" and crying. The doctor told us she thought she had seen a little flutter but she didn't think the baby was still alive. She told us she was going to take me back for an emergency c-section to get our baby out as quickly as possible and try everything they could to help her. At this point I calmed down slightly, but I was sick to my stomach with fear for our baby and myself, and I said that I wanted Aaron to be taken out of the room. He had been in the small room with us, but on the other side of a drawn curtain playing on his iPod. A nurse started to walk out with him and I remember hearing her ask him if he liked a certain cartoon as the other nurses quickly undressed me, saw my bleeding, and put a cap over my hair while they covered me with a gown. I was having painful contractions through all of it.

From that point forward, everything moved extremely quickly. No one around me acted panicked, everyone was just very fast and focused. Chris was still on my left side and he kissed me right before I was wheeled through the surgery doors. I told him I loved him and thought in that moment that I had been able to kiss Chris and tell him I loved him, but I hadn't been able to do that with Aaron. I became very scared for my own health and safety and was so afraid that I hadn't kissed Aaron. I actually wondered if I was going to die without telling him I loved him one more time. I started to sob loudly as I was taken into a brightly lit and freezing cold surgery room. I was lifted and put on the surgical table and then turned on my side by an anesthesiologist who was going to give me an epidural, but I heard my doctor's voice say over all the noisy preparation in the room, "We do not have time for that. This baby has no heartbeat while we're speaking. Get a mask on her NOW." My God I was scared. I don't know how many people were there, but I can remember four. I could not stop shaking and sobbing. A nurse put a mask on me, but it fell to one side as my arms and legs were strapped down. I took deep breaths trying to get what the mask was supposed to be giving me because I was scared to be awake. My doctor put her face right over my face, and looked directly into my eyes while I was moving like a frightened animal and she said, "I'm going to cut you now. You're going to be awake, you're going to feel it, and it's going to hurt like hell, but I'm going to try everything I can to save your baby's life." The mask was put back on my face correctly and I took huge deep breaths, desperate to be put under. But she was right, I was still awake, and I did feel her cut, and it did hurt like hell, and I screamed. I screamed and said, "I'm still awake, I can feel that, I can feel it, help me!" I felt her cut, and I felt her dig, and then I was out. Our daughter was delivered at 11:55pm.

After I was taken back, Chris went into the front waiting area and sat with Aaron for a while until Ashley showed up to take Aaron home. Chris told Ashley what happening and after she left he called my parents and gave them a brief description of what had happened. He said that I had been taken back for an emergency c-section and that they didn't think the baby was alive. When he made this call, just like when we had called on our way to the hospital, the entire family was there at my parent's house. Then Chris sat and waited for news. Some time later a nurse came out and said, "You're wanted in the nursery." Chris asked, "Is she alive?" and the nurse just said, "Let me just show you the way," and he knew then that our baby had died. He carried all of our things back to the nursery and a doctor came out to talk to Chris. He told Chris that they had worked for over 30 minutes to try to resuscitate her, and told him all the things they had tried, but that they had not been able to revive her. They did apgar readings on her and she scored zero on all of them each time and had no signs of life at any time after she was delivered. She was born without a heartbeat. Chris said he wanted to see her and he was taken over to where she was on a warming table. He asked to have time alone with her and he sat next to her on the table and held her hand and spoke to her. He was in there with her for maybe about an hour. Every few minutes someone would come in and ask him if he was okay and provide him with updates on me. Chris asked for the baby to be cleaned up and the nurses came and gave her a bath and swaddled her. He noticed her full head of dark brown hair and her small size. He didn't want to leave her and just waited there with her until someone came to tell him he could come back and see me. At some point during that time Chris called my parents again and spoke to my dad. He remembers telling my dad that the baby didn't make it, and my dad said, "I'm so sorry" and neither of them could manage to get out much more than that.

At some time between 1:00 and 2:00am, closer to 2:00, Chris was told he could come into recovery to see me. I was starting to wake up a little and Chris was on the right side of my bed and a nurse, the primary nurse that cared for me while I was still on the L&D floor, was on my left. My eyes were very heavy, it was hard to shake it off and fully wake up. I felt Chris holding my hand and I heard him say, "I want to tell her." That's when I knew that our baby had died. I knew that if she was alive he would have been right in my face joyfully making sure it was the first thing I heard. Since I already knew, I asked other things first, with my slow, dry mouth. I seem to remember moving my head back and forth trying to wake up. I still had a mask on while Chris started talking to me. I asked if I was okay, I asked if I needed a blood transfusion and I asked where Aaron was and if he was okay. After Chris answered all my questions, he said, "Our baby girl didn't make it. She died." The nurse asked if we wanted to see her and I looked at Chris and said yes. It would be the next day before I learned about the time he had spent with her while I was still asleep from surgery. The nurse went to go get her, and I asked Chris if we wanted to start using her name. That was a pivotal moment and decision. Chris said he wanted to, and we said Mara together softly. I think this might have been when I started to cry. Using Mara's name from that point forward has been an absolutely defining part of the grieving process. Everyone at the hospital used her name when they spoke about her. She was real, she was ours, we knew her. She has a name. She was there. Mara.

The nurse brought her to us swaddled and wearing the traditional hospital cap. I couldn't move very much but I could bend my arms enough to hold her in my hands. She was small to me, long and skinny. I held her and looked at her face while Chris stood next to me. At first, I didn't want to disturb her small body, but then I asked Chris if he knew whether or not she had hair, and he said, "Yes, let's take off her hat." It hadn't even occurred to me to do that before he suggested it. We took off her hat and I saw her full head of dark brown hair. We also unwrapped her so I could see the rest of her body, her little hands and feet. I rubbed her cheeks and her back, held her hands and feet and we talked about how perfect she looked. Just like a sleeping baby. She seemed perfectly fine and normal, but she was cold. It was unbelievable that she would be there in my arms so perfect, but not be alive. It wasn't sinking in, I know now that I was in quiet numb shock. We took pictures with her. I wish I had my camera at that time so we could have taken more pictures that would have been better quality, but we had what we had. Chris used his phone to take a few pictures and we truly treasure them. The nursery staff took pictures of Mara a few hours later, but she had really begun to look different by then so those are not the pictures we love to look at. Our small cell phone pictures are what we cling to. We had her for about 30 minutes, from about 2:00 to 2:30 in the morning. After we had been with her for a while, I felt that she was beginning to look different, so we asked the nurse to take her back to the nursery. Her lips had a deep plum color when she was brought to me, but her cheeks became increasingly red while we held her, and I felt very strongly that I didn't want to remember an image of her that I found disturbing. I wanted to remember that precious perfect face, that looked like it was sleeping, as I felt her tiny weight against my chest and in my arms for the first and only time.

After Mara had been taken back, our doctor, the one who searched for her heartbeat and performed the c-section, a person we had never met before, but who instantly became a major figure in Mara’s life, came to talk to us. We could see the deep grief she felt as she struggled to give us information without crying herself. Right away, we declined to have an autopsy done on Mara. It was the first of many awful decisions we would have to arrive at in the coming days. Our doctor told me about trying to resuscitate Mara and that they had done everything they could but that she had been born without a heartbeat and had never shown any signs of life. She said that based on my bleeding she suspected a placental abruption and there were some visible problems with the placenta and cord, but that more information would come in a few weeks after pathology results on the placenta came back. What we did learn was that the cord was thin and lacking in protective jelly. The placenta also suffered from marginal cord insertion, which meant that there was not a full blood and oxygen supply to Mara through the placenta. The placenta was strong enough to sustain Mara throughout my pregnancy, as evidenced by her healthy heartbeat and normal growth rate, but when the placenta abrupted, whenever that took place, it basically didn't have enough of a reserve to support her for very long. It is not known if the abruption occurred or the labor began first, because each one of those can cause the other. Because of the mysteries of labor and delivery and because we did not want an autopsy done, there are some things we will never know or understand. The doctor also told us that during standard post-natal blood tests, she found that Mara was anemic and had low blood counts. Not low enough to be harmful to her development, but evidence that she was slightly undernourished by the placenta all along.

After our doctor left, Chris stayed with me for a while. We were told that I would be moved off of Labor and Delivery to a surgical recovery unit. At some point, we decided that Chris should go home to be with Ashley and Aaron and that he would need to tell Aaron about Mara in the morning when he woke up. I hated for him to leave, but knew that he needed rest and I would be fine with my nurse. Sometime in the 5 o'clock hour, I was moved up to the surgical recovery floor, by way of a stop at the nursery. My sweet, sweet nurse wheeled me by the nursery and the nursery staff came out to see me and give me their condolences. One nurse in particular, that I remembered from our hospital tour, told me they were taking good care of Mara, and had brushed her hair, dressed her, and taken pictures that she would email me if I wanted them. They also did several foot and hand prints for us and prepared a beautiful box with a lock of her hair and a swatch of fabric made from the same gown they dressed her in. They also prepared a bassinette card with her name and birth stats, just like any other baby would have in their bassinette while they are still in the hospital. I received a handmade bag full of items prepared by a mother who had also lost her baby and a number of books and pamphlets about grieving and decision making after the loss of a child. I was very touched and grateful for these gifts. Although I did not look at them until the next day, I was so impressed, but not surprised, at their ability to provide comfort and support right away. They had thought of everything they could possibly do for us and every gesture truly helped. Each nurse came to the side of the bed and hugged me and told me how beautiful and perfect Mara was. After they were finished, my nurse took me on down the hallway and to my new room on a new floor, far away from the fortunate mothers on L&D that were holding their babies.

December 16

2012-01-09T17:09:00.001-05:00

A Christmas movie on a Friday night :)

December 15

2012-01-09T17:08:00.001-05:00

The cutest elf :)

December 14

2012-01-09T17:06:00.001-05:00

Buncha phone pictures this week, but at least I have something!

We got our tree all done and set up finally!

Here is some work Aaron brought home…he had to write what a seed needs to be able to grow :) I love him!

December 13

2012-01-09T17:03:00.001-05:00

Tonight Aaron and Daddy had a little play time together. Aaron loves nothing more.

December 12

2012-01-07T21:46:00.001-05:00

We had some Five Guys for dinner tonight :) Do your kids use French Fries as nothing more than ketchup dip sticks like my kid does? Yes, I capitalized French Fries. I wish I could do more to demonstrate my love for them.

December 11

2012-01-07T21:42:00.001-05:00

This is another post that is very hard for me to make. On this day we spent a good amount of time taking our family Christmas card photo. It took A LOT of tries, but we eventually got one we were pleased with. Pretty cute photo, right?

Well, we went out of our way to show my pregnant belly in this photo and then our card said how excited we were to be welcoming our new baby girl just in time for Christmas.

We did not send out our Christmas cards. I haven’t looked at this picture since Mara died, and seeing it now, knowing that in this picture she was alive, healthy and tumbling all around inside me like she did everyday, it hurts more than I can begin to explain. Just like all the pictures I have seen of myself pregnant since we lost Mara, that seems like a different person, in a different lifetime. That smiling family had no idea about the tragedy was going to occur, and there is no going back to the way life was before she died. We are forever changed, and no matter how much time passes or how many happy moments we are able to enjoy as we adjust to our “new normal,” we will always miss her, and miss the feelings of anticipation and happiness we felt on this day, and every day before December 17th.

December 10

2012-01-07T21:33:00.001-05:00

no photo today

December 9

2012-01-07T17:05:00.001-05:00

Tonight was Aaron’s Christmas concert. He has gotten better at these each year. His first year he cried and didn’t want to get up on the stage, and did NOT sing a dang word. His second show, he went up on the stage happily, mouthed a few lyrics and looked around. This time, he was excited and sang every word…and did all the dance moves! Aaron is the only kid in a white shirt…although I would like it to be known that the instructions were a solid red, white or green shirt. Santa also made a visit, and Aaron got close-ish, but wouldn’t sit with him.

December 5-8

2012-01-07T16:59:00.001-05:00

yikes, no pictures for any of these days. I was huge, sick, and tired. That about sums it up.

December 4

2012-01-07T16:58:00.001-05:00

Oh my, wish I had my real camera for this one! We went to Eric’s EIGHTH (!!!!) birthday party today, and it was an Angry Birds party. Of course, his Grammy made him an AWESOME cake. There are pieces from an Angry Birds game that she used for some of the decorations, and all the birds and pigs are cake balls! SO SO cute!

December 3

2012-01-04T11:20:00.001-05:00

We had a quick visit from Uncle Bro last night into this morning. Aaron sure loves his Uncle Bro. One more Christmas that needed doing…set up for the Polar Express. Uncle Bro was happy to work on this with Aaron, and he made a really cool track that even went unto the dining room and under the table! Unfortunately, once that was all done, there weren’t any batteries for the train, and Aaron was really bummed that he couldn’t try it out right away.

December 2

2012-01-04T10:53:00.001-05:00

Today we made a little trip to the hospital because of a concern about my blood pressure. Last night, probably due to my cough and sinus infection, I had some blurry/moving spots in my vision and saw some funky colors. I put myself right to bed, and this morning at school I went into the clinic to have my blood pressure taken. It wasn’t what you would call “high blood pressure” but it was elevated compared to what I have been having at my doctor appointments each month. So I rested for an hour, had it taken again, and it was even higher. When I called L & D at Ft. Belvoir they said we should just come in to get checked out, so we skedaddled over to do that. Everyone there was great, I was put on monitors, and our little lady was moving around like crazy, like she has been the whole time, and once my blood pressure was stable for about two hours we went home. The thought was that it was related to me being sick, but I was also have mild contractions that I couldn’t feel the whole time, and the doctor said that could have also caused my blood pressure to be elevated. Here I am, being calm.

December 1

2012-01-04T10:47:00.001-05:00

I don’t have a picture for today, but now that December has ended I can say that once December started, my pregnancy comfort switch was flipped to OFF! I felt huge, I couldn’t sleep, everything hurt, you know how it is. I came home every day from school and needed to just put up my feet and rest, and to top it all off, I had a horrible cough and developed a sinus infection. Can you imagine how hard it is to keep from peeing on yourself when you are 8 months pregnant with a hacking cough? *impossible*

November 30

2012-01-04T10:34:00.001-05:00

I think today may rate as my biggest ankle day so far. I mean really…that is horrible.

November 29

2012-01-02T23:24:00.000-05:00

no picture for today

November 28

2012-01-02T23:23:00.000-05:00

This is truly a family treasure. The night of 11/27 I watched a birth video with Aaron. He was upset to learn that he will not be allowed in the room during baby sister’s delivery and he doesn’t want to miss anything. I thought that maybe I could show him about how baby sister will come out and explain that the delivery room can be crowded and busy, and that after she comes out and is all cleaned up, then he would be able to come visit. He is such a smart, curious guy, and although I didn’t show him anything especially disturbing, it was the whole delivery, and he did ask a lot of questions :) He was really into it, loved to learn about it, and when the video was over he asked Chris, “Daddy, are you going to help Mommy hold her leg and brush her hair back?” It was such a sweet thing to share with him and I hope that learning more about the process helps him feel more at ease. Knowledge is power.

The next day at school, Aaron drew this picture. Adorable, and yet graphic as only a child can express.

In the middle is a bed, with me on it, and baby sister next to me, see how she is little? My legs are up (wow, Aaron, great detail, and there is some blood on the bed.) The other brown person is “Daddy, helping Mommy and holding a leg” and the green person on the other side of the bed is “the doctor with his doctor hat on.” Finally, at the foot of the bed, is a very happy Aaron. “I can be there because baby sister is already out.”

It breaks my heart to think of this picture now. I still have it, and I will always keep it, but I haven’t thought about it in a couple of weeks and even though it is really hard, I have to remember how it warmed our hearts when he described this picture when we picked him up from school that day. That story will always be special even though Mara is not with us today. Another one of the many dimensions of our horrible loss is the excitement Aaron felt for his baby sister’s arrival and all the ways he expressed that. Everything about this is hard and sad.

November 27

2012-01-02T20:14:00.001-05:00

Aaron’s most favorite Christmas decoration :) the Bumble Chase from CVS. Best 14.99 I ever spent at CVS. I posted a picture of him staring at it intently about this time last year (actually, it was ALSO November 27 of 2010!!!) when he got to take it out, and here he is with it again. Wouldn’t it be cool if I took a picture of him with this every year?

And here is the completed North Pole Village! We finally got it done today, me and my elf helpers.

There is Elfland on the far upper left raised area. It is the neighborhood where the elves actually live and patronize their little elf businesses.

Here on the upper right raised platform is the North Pole Woods, where elves gather timber, do woodworking, and care for the reindeer.

Awesome isn’t it :)

November 26

2012-01-02T20:04:00.001-05:00

no picture for today

November 25

2012-01-02T18:06:00.001-05:00

Here are two pictures Aaron drew at school. I love how he is making more detailed family pictures, and I love how he is showing my pregnant self as different than everyone else’s bodies. He also is including baby sister in a lot of his pictures and it just tugs the heck out of my heartstrings.

Here is one of me, Chris and Aaron. Can you tell which one is me?

Here is an artistic family portrait with Aaron in the middle of course, and his tiny baby sister right above him. Ashley is the one with the wacky hair on the bottom left corner, then Chris next to her. The top row left to right is me, baby sister and Courtney. What a sweet little man drawing the whole family.

November 24

2012-01-02T18:01:00.001-05:00

It’s Thanksgiving Day! We are keeping it small and quiet this year because (as I have mentioned) I am hugely pregnant. Courtney is with us, but Ash is in Alabama, so we got a small turkey, eliminated some side dishes, and just kept it pretty casz.

Here is the rutabega master masher at work…

Our smaller turkey, which tasted awesome but could have used 30 fewer minutes in the oven.

oh yeeeeeah.

November 23

2012-01-02T17:23:00.001-05:00

To commemorate hitting 36 weeks pregnant, a pretty important milestone, I asked my hubby to come out back in the brisk fall day and take some photos of me. I love how they turned out, and I think he did a GREAT job. We will treasure these photos.

November 22

2012-01-02T17:09:00.001-05:00

Today is the last day of no-shave record keeping. The contest isn’t actually lasting the entire month (although some purists found that unacceptable and kept it going), it’s only lasting until Thanksgiving break, so here is the last set of hairy pictures! Not sure why they are holding a football…probably just to be goofy.

Here’s some close-ups.

Mike, a “purist” who refused to trim or even get a haircut, and he kept it going all the way through DECEMBER!

Fisher, who grows facial hair like this every year for hunting season anyway…

Redbeard…aka TJ

Jojo and Chris

Racek (who actually had a three day head start, if you can believe it…)

And the winner of the EHS No-Shave November contest…

Greg Hinton, team teacher extraordinaire! (he’s trying to look stern…not really believable!)

Here are the slightly disturbing photos of Chris’ shaving progress…

Shave stage 1 (aka the Caleb)

Shave stage 2 (aka 80’s guy…I could NOT stomach this look past having to take a picture)

Shave stage 3 (aka what a relief, there’s my man!)

November 20

2012-01-02T16:48:00.001-05:00

Here’s some village set-up pictures!! Due to being in the giant stage of pregnancy, I vowed that this year I was going to do only a partial village set-up. There are two side neighborhoods to the North Pole, the North Pole Woods on the right hand side, and Elfland on the left hand side. Originally I proclaimed that I would leave one or both of those off, but then Aaron just got so into helping me that I wanted to do the whole dang thing. Also, Chris’ new set-up gave me so much more usable surface area AND made it so much more physically comfortable to access the back areas of the village without straining myself. Of course, as is typical of my weekends these days, I did too much and ended up with awful back and sciatic pain, but…what are you gonna do.

When it was time for a break, we had dinner and then made some dessert. I found these Smores crescent rools online and was dying to try them out of my obsessive love of Smores. They did NOT turn out very well, largely because I tried to stuff too much stuff into them. Alas. At least we had fun. We will need to try again.

November 19

2012-01-02T16:24:00.001-05:00

Well, we had a big busy fun day planned for today. First, it was Aaron’s last t-ball game of his season.

The highlight was the trophy ceremony after the game. SO darn cute. The coach got a trophy for each player with their name on it and Aaron was just so proud. He carried that daggone thing around for days.

Here’s Aaron with his coaches. They were great guys.

This was so fun to watch, and we are really pleased with how the season turned out. There were some parts that were pretty challenging for him, but he learned a lot, and being part of a group like this is something we really want him to have experiences with.

Ashley and I left straight from the field to go to a baby lunch that Neecers hosted to celebrate the upcoming arrival of our sweet girl.

The flash made some of the details hard to see, but we got this sweet little cable knit sweater from our friend Angie.

and this beautiful blanket made by our friend Vanessa’s mom. It is so cushy and soft!

And this adorable Rams cheerleader outfit from Cari. This gift was obviously a hit with Chris too :)

and…who doesn’t love a pair of butterfly bottom pants? This set was from Neecers.

Now, looking at these pictures is so hard. I wish our baby girl was wearing these clothes now. The person you see opening these gifts and smiling seems like a completely different person than the one typing this post, in fact that day seems like a whole different lifetime. Even so, like I said in an earlier post, I don’t want to erase these happy memories just because of the pain I feel now. In fact, I want to get to the point where I can have the happy memories right alongside the pain. That could be years from now, but I’m trying.

When Ashley and I got home from the baby lunch, Chris and Courtney were hard at work building a new apparatus for our Christmas Village. Our furniture has changed a bit since last year, and there is a different couch in the place where the village goes, and we saw right away when we took out the supplies that it wouldn’t work the same way with the different couch. So Chris hatched an idea and got to work on it, and it is awesome!

November 17-18

2012-01-02T15:28:00.003-05:00

ho-hum…no photos these days.

November 16

2012-01-02T15:28:00.001-05:00

Aaron and I had Panera together tonight. These days, when I can avoid cooking dinner, I sure do.

November 15

2012-01-02T15:26:00.001-05:00

Christmas gifts are starting to arrive…as I may have mentioned before, I was very focused on getting all shopping and such done early because I knew that being hugely pregnant/having little lady arrive early could make Christmas jobs more challenging. I was really pleased with how much I got done so far in advance and I was right on track to finish Christmas prep well in advance.

November 14

2012-01-02T15:21:00.001-05:00

We were missing someone in the last no-shave pic, and most of them turned out goofy, so here’s the update. Look at those rascals! Hubby on the very left side!

November 13

2011-12-28T13:24:00.001-05:00

Today Aaron wanted to play trains out of the blue. It’s always interesting to watch how a certain toy gets ignored for a long time and then makes it back to the forefront again.

I scrapped it…of course.

November 12

2011-12-28T13:20:00.001-05:00

Here are some t-ball pics. Looking back, most of them look the same and I could easily get away with taking a quarter of the pictures I took…but isn’t that just the way it goes?

Chris has started going out in the outfield with Aaron (along with the legion of other dads that do the same) to help stay engaged during what can be a really boring and frustrating portion of each game. There is very little action in the outfield, and every time a ball gets hit, every boy runs towards it and makes a massive dog pile. Aaron doesn’t want to get hurt, so he participated in the dog pile madness exactly one time and now prefers to just go for the ball if it is right near him, which is not often, which means he gets bored. Having Chris out there to direct and encourage him has made a great difference.

November 11

2011-12-28T13:12:00.001-05:00

This picture makes me so happy. Chris’ leadership classes are sponsoring a No-Shave November fundraiser at school. Participants paid 5 dollars to enter and got their freshly-shaved faces photographed on November 1st. Then they let their facial hair grow and they will be judged at the end of the month based on awesome beard growth. It just so happens that 8 of the 13 faculty participating are in our social studies department. I love our department. We are so fortunate to work with such an amazing group of people, and in situations like this we are reminded how invested our department is in the good of the school and supporting each other. We were missing a teacher for this picture and none of them came out very well because they were all too busy laughing, but I love them anyway. Here is the facial hair progress so far.

November 10

2011-12-28T13:01:00.001-05:00

Tonight when I got home all I wanted to do was rest and snuggle with my boy. We had some lovely time on the couch that was just perfect for me.

I scrapped it :)

November 7-9

2011-12-28T12:57:00.003-05:00

no pictures for these days

November 6

2011-12-28T12:57:00.001-05:00

Today we made some very important progress in the “redo the family room” project. This was like two phases done at the same time! One of our work friends husbands owns a home project kind of business, and he really seems to do everything from tile to plumbing to kitchens. They both came over today, Ginger to socialize and Dale to work on the TV. After the incredible work he did in the walls to make the cables and outlets totally professional, it is hard to imagine Chris having tried to do this on his own.

Now the TV is mounted over the fireplace and we have three new outlets behind it!

November 5

2011-12-28T12:50:00.001-05:00

no picture for today

November 4

2011-12-28T12:49:00.001-05:00

Tonight we went to the football game at Edison. The leadership kids hosted a pregame tailgate (boy was it cold!!) and Aaron had fun in the bounce house. I think this was the last home game of the season. It was against Hayfield and we had the pleasure of seeing one of our teacher friends who is now working there. Aaron had fun running around, but he had an even better time once the hot chocolate warmed him up a bit. Just some cell phone pictures tonight.

The new entry tunnel!

…on Daddy’s shoulders

some hot chocolate

November 3

2011-12-28T12:46:00.001-05:00

no picture for today

November 2

2011-12-28T12:44:00.001-05:00

Here is Aaron in his brand new Sam Bradford jersey that arrived today. We had a heck of a time finding one, but Chris finally did and now Aaron has a jersey like everyone else in our household. He is really excited and is planning to wear it every Sunday.

Here is Aaron on his laptop just like Mommy and Daddy. Lap desk and all.

As you may already know, our beautiful daughter Mara was still-born on December 17th. I have been absent from social media and blogging and scrapping and all of those things since that time. I felt ready to make a post today, but I know that some of the pictures I have coming up for November and December blog posts will be about baby-related topics. Although it will be difficult, I am committed to posting the same pictures I would have posted if she was still with us because anticipating her arrival and being excited about her birth is not something I want to erase from our memories just because she is not with us today.

I ask that if you wish to contact us about our daughter’s passing, which we welcome, you do so via email (at mermaid913 at aol dot com) rather than here in the blog comments or on facebook. We are very grateful for all the love and support we have received from our family and friends during this horribly painful time.

November 1!

2011-12-13T23:31:00.000-05:00

YES!!! Made it to November!

Here’s Aaron, just doing a little “fishing” in the backyard. Until he got it caught in the soccer goal, anyway.

October 31

2011-12-13T19:21:00.001-05:00

It’s Halloween!!! On a MONDAY.

Look…it’s Rachel Berry and a Brave Knight!

Now Aaron REALLY wanted to pass out candy, like WAY more than he wanted to go trick-or-treating. While we were taking these pictures, about 10 kids came to our house, the first of which was a brother and sister that go to his school. He was beside himself with excitement as he saw them coming up the stairs. So we kept the trick-or-treating early and short so he could come home and pass out candy some more.

Sadly, even though we were out for less than an hour, once we got back home, NOT ONE person came to our door. Aaron was so so sad and just cried. He sat by our front door with the bowl of candy, and got more and more sad until finally he just laid down on the floor and cried. His little self broke my heart. I felt so bad for him (but took a picture of it anyway).

I also took this awesome shot of my boy…he is so handsome, just look at that face!

and a little candy silliness…yes, we had ALL of that left. Light action on a Monday I guess!

Oh man…a day of school and then trick-or-treating was just TOO much for me. I was definitely hurting the next day.

October 30

2011-12-13T18:08:00.001-05:00

no picture today…guess I was saving up for Halloween!

October 29

2011-12-13T18:07:00.001-05:00

Today we braved some REALLY crappy weather (it actually SNOWED!) to go up to Edison for the Haunted Halloway hosted by one of Chris’ leadership classes. It was a little Halloween fair of sorts for little ones. Colleen and Cameron came too, and Belle and the Brave Knight had a nice time walking around and playing games.

October 28

2011-12-13T17:51:00.001-05:00

I had an OB appointment today, and just to get in the mood, I wandered around Babies R Us afterward just gazing at baby things :) I found a few items I liked.

October 27

2011-12-13T17:48:00.001-05:00

No picture today!

October 26

2011-12-13T17:47:00.001-05:00

Aaron got a car in the mail from Grampy to play with the SUPER COOL Cars app on my iPad. It’s so amazing how you can drive the car on the screen, and it even knows the difference between the different cars you can get. What will they think of next?!!?!

October 25

2011-12-13T17:45:00.001-05:00

We had dinner at Montclair Family Restaurant tonight and practiced sight words with Aaron on the placemat again. He didn’t know the words that were crossed out. Great job buddy!!

October 24

2011-12-13T17:42:00.001-05:00

This morning when I went in to wake up Aaron for school…I just couldn’t resist running back downstairs for my camera. He was just so perfectly peaceful and sweet.

October 23

2011-12-13T17:38:00.001-05:00

And on Sunday…Rufis joined us for waffles and Rams football.

Then before bed on Sunday, we printed out the pictures of our weekend fun, glued them in the class journal, and wrote about the things we did with Rufis. Didn’t Aaron do a great job? :) I was so proud of his writing!

October 22

2011-12-13T17:32:00.001-05:00

The fun continued with Rufis at Aaron’s t-ball game!

October 21

2011-12-05T22:28:00.001-05:00

Today we brought home Aaron’s class friend, Rufis the dinosaur, for the weekend. We are supposed to spend the weekend with him and write about what we did together, providing pictures if possible. And I DEFINITELY jumped on that opportunity!

Here is Rufis relaxing with Aaron and Courtney enjoying some Friday night TV.

Chris is at Edison late for the Homecoming Game, so we got ready to head over to Aaron’s Fall Festival at Minnieland. Of course, Rufis joined us.

Sarah, Zack and the girls stopped by before we left…

and I dressed as an M&M.

October 19-20

2011-12-05T22:21:00.001-05:00

I participated in these days too…just don’t have any pictures to prove it. Walt Disney Wednesday and Twin Thursday. darnit.

October 18

2011-12-05T22:17:00.001-05:00

Team Tuesday…Looking cute in our jerseys!

October 17

2011-12-05T22:15:00.001-05:00

This is the start of Homecoming Week at our school, and I am going to participate in the dress-up days. Today was “Morning Monday,” a day for jammies. It was hard to me to find jammies that were full-coverage enough to wear to school, so I ended up just wearing loungewear instead. It was a comfy day in any case :)

October 16

2011-12-05T22:13:00.001-05:00

nope…not today.

October 15

2011-12-05T22:11:00.001-05:00

shhh….no one will realize I was gone if I don’t make a huge deal about being back.

How about some t-ball ADORABLE-NESS?!?!?

just a little pre-game driveway meditation…

and hanging out in the dugout before the game.

some fielding practice…

waiting to run home…

…and running with all his might!

October 14

2011-10-29T17:37:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when we pick Aaron up from school we need to make a run to the grocery store, which is in the same plaza. He likes to walk to the store with one parent while the other drives the car over and waves to the walkers while driving by. I drove the car over today, and here are my cute guys waiting on the bench for me to walk into the store.

October 13

2011-10-29T16:33:00.000-04:00

Today I made my first attempt at fried chicken. Frying things scares the crap out of me because I’m always afraid it’s going to turn out too greasy or not cooked on the inside. I got a couple of tips, and have to say that for my first try, it wasn’t horrible!

October 12

2011-10-29T14:28:00.000-04:00

Luckily, this is a bit of an easy week at school because of a strange schedule. I took this picture as reference for later because I had to erase the board, but it works nicely for the blog too! This is part of the whiteboard in my classroom, with some world history team planning on it. Good stuff, huh?

October 11

2011-10-29T10:23:00.001-04:00

Today afterschool (holy CRAP I was tired!!) Aaron and Chris played some ball in the backyard. Aaron is even more into it now that t-ball has started.

I love these shots!

October 10

2011-10-29T10:16:00.001-04:00

Flying home today, fast fun visit! I got a couple minutes of shut-eye while Aaron watched movie after movie and snacked his face off.

We hit Chik-fil-a on the way home from the airport, and whaddyaknow, it was Father-Daughter date night, and the cow was there AGAIN!

October 9

2011-10-29T10:13:00.001-04:00

Today is our last full day in California, and after all the excitement and party work, I was looking forward to a relaxing day of doing not much with the fam.

Boys on iPads…

Having some Sunday chili together

and now that everything has been announced…two pregnant sisters together!! Can’t wait to scrap these!

We also went through the boys old baby clothes to find any that are neutral enough for baby sister, and we brought back a bag full.

And sitting together for some great pictures with Grampy.

October 8

2011-10-29T10:03:00.001-04:00

It’s BIRTHDAY TIME!

Absolutely the COOLEST thing about this Handy Manny party is the cake my sister made. It is AMAZING. She made a toolbox cake and actually hand-made ALL THE TOOLS OUT OF MARZIPAN AND PAINTED THEM! Unbelievable. I would have taken Aarons actual toys and stuck them in a cake. Check it out…

I know, right?!?!?!

Here’s some more party sceneage

Taco bar…

a birthday boy…

Baby Emmersyn, our cousin Malinda’s youngest daughter. SO SWEET! And Aaron loved helping to feed her, GOOD SIGN!

And her big sister Mady…

Handy Cameron!

Cake time!! hehe.

October 7

2011-10-29T09:47:00.001-04:00

So after a good night’s sleep that ended WAY too early because Aaron and I were both on VA time and woke up at 4:30 am…we had a nice morning walk with Grampy and then went over to hang out with Kelly and Cameron for the day. The boys played all day (with no naps) and Kelly and I did party stuff and visited. It was a fun day and I’m really glad we had the chance to spend so much time together.

I also tried out the new 50 mm lens I got for my birthday…but not that much, because we were indoors in low light.

Here’s a peanut butter and jelly faced nephew…who’s about to turn THREE!

Here’s Cameron taking some pictures of his own…

And some boys watching Spookly the Square Pumpkin, which Auntie Kelly very thoughtfully recorded and saved for them to watch together. Aaron has been singing the song EVER SINCE (I’m typing this post on 10/29 and I mean EVER SINCE)

engrossed! hehehe

October 6

2011-10-29T09:34:00.002-04:00

Okay nooooooow get ready for a string of photos!! Today Aaron and I flew to California right after school so we could go to Cameron’s 3rd birthday party and visit everybody. I am really glad we got to do this because we will not be able to go at Christmas time due to the arrival of baby sister and it will be WAY TOO LONG before we are able to go back to CA and visit the family. My parents got these tickets for us, and Aaron was really excited for our trip. Flying was hard on my large pregnant self and I was completely exhausted the whole trip, but it was awesome. Here is a picture of Aaron playing FacesiMake on the iPad, an app that Grampy gifted to us before we flew out so Aaron would have something new to amuse him on the plane. It is an AWESOME app. If you have kids and an iDevice…you have GOT to get it.

October 4-5

2011-10-29T09:29:00.001-04:00

I have been trying to do a better job of at least snapping a photo with my phone when I know I haven’t taken a “real one” but I guess that didn’t happen these two days.

October 3

2011-10-29T09:27:00.001-04:00

We’re here…not hiding, and not taking a lot of pictures either, truthfully. But let’s catch up a bit anyway, shall we? I took this picture hastily with my phone on 10/3 from inside my car…it’s the closest thing to graffiti I have ever seen anywhere near our house. It’s a stereo with ha ha ha on the side.

October 2

2011-10-02T22:38:00.000-04:00

How about a little Halloween costume preview? We knew we were looking for a knight costume, and Aaron is planning to carry his sword and shield from Medieval Times. I was really hoping to find one at Target rather than someplace more expensive, and we just LOVE this one! He looks adorable :)

He takes his knightly duties very seriously.

October 1

2011-10-02T17:37:00.001-04:00

We had kind of a full day planned today, and got a lot accomplished.

First of all, I am so excited that today was Aaron’s first day of t-ball! It technically is just picture day, but coach called and said we would do a short practice after pictures. It was REALLY cold with a chilly wind and we did NOT dress as warmly as we should have.

Aaron had a GREAT time. He was so excited. He did a great job posing for the individual and team pictures, and watching those little guys practice was just too cute. They did some throwing practice, which Aaron picked up quickly, then they all got in a line to run the bases, which was the funniest part. They didn’t run on the baselines, even though their coach was leading them. They ran last first base, causing a huge arc to second, and then cut inside third, only to walk past home plate without touching it. Adorable. Then each boy (there are 10) got a chance to hit and run the bases. While Aaron waited for his turn, he played first base, which is just because that was the place he ran to once he had his glove on, and every time someone hit the ball, he raced to wherever it was to be the first to get it rather than staying on his base. It was hilarious. Finally the assistance coach, who was very lovable, came to coach Aaron on staying on his base, and despite his best intentions, Aaron just couldn’t resist the impulse to race after that ball no matter where on the field it went. We just laughed and laughed. He learned other fine points of playing first base pretty quickly and did a great job. It was so much fun to watch.

Aaron was so independent through the whole thing that I kept getting choked up. No clinging, no reluctance, he just grabbed his gear and ran where he was supposed to go and forgot all about it. I was so proud of him that I couldn’t stand it, and when we got in the car to head home, he sighed and said, “That was awesome,” and I burst into tears. That of course cracked Chris up and caused Aaron to ask, as he often has to,
“Mommy, why are you crying if you’re happy? People only cry when they’re sad.” What a great milestone, and what a big boy.

The only way the day could have gone better was if I had been able to get pictures. Tell me if this has happened to you…you are snapping away on your camera, getting lots of great shots, it’s an important day…and one time, after about 30 minutes of picture taking has passed, you glance down at the view window of your camera and it says “no card”. Where was my card? Here in my laptop, of course. Man that is a terrible feeling, and my heart sinks down to my toes. All the cute pictures I “took” of him holding his bat on his first day, and the pictures I “got” as he raced onto the field, don’t exist. So awful.

I got some cell phone pictures from that point on, but it’s not the same. I will be able to replicate the pictures the next time we go, but I need a system in place. I need an extra card duct taped onto my camera strap for emergencies or something. Here’s what I managed to get, which is better than nothing. (Aaron is in a red sweatshirt)

Grabbing a runaway ball during throwing practice…

running the bases…

Mr. first base, ready for action…

and batting practice…

first ever team huddle *sniff*

After that, we went home to change Aaron into clean clothes and then headed to Dick’s to get him some baseball pants, baseball socks, and a bag. We also went to Target to get him a new pair of school sneakers, since his prior pair was rendered “t-ball only” by the time this practice was over.

Then we headed home for a quick visit from the floor guy since we have some trouble spots, and then Neecers and Fisher came over for a little dinner and hair coloring.

phew! Chris and Ashley and I all fell asleep downstairs.

September 30

2011-10-02T17:13:00.001-04:00

Friday…and the most uncomfortable day of my pregnancy so far. Back and diaphragm are killing me even though I managed to sit down for most of the day, and my ankles are HUGE.

But we did do something fun today, because we got paid! We had dinner at 5 Guys and went shopping at Target!

WOOHOO! We realized while walking around that we hadn’t been in Target for the whole month of September because we were working really hard on saving.

Get ready for an awful swollen ankle picture, or better yet, skip the picture if you’re squeamish.

gross.