January 19

I went to lunch today, which was another “normal” thing that might as well have been cliff diving. It was hard just to drive up to the area near school and the hospital, which is not something I thought of beforehand. Up there is a whole additional world of things I haven’t faced yet. The last time I made the drive we had dinner with George and I was still in numb shock. The last time before that, I was in labor. I have been facing a lot of things at home, but this was a whole different animal. It is excruciating to relive those moments or have a sliver of those memories creep it. I cried for the last 15 miles of the drive…and I guess it can’t really be more than 25 miles total. I was having sushi with Neecers, which I thought would be a great easy reintroduction to alien things like lunch, doing my hair, and seeing people besides Chris and Aaron. The sushi place was packed, and for only the second time in my life that I can recall (this first being Costco right after I came home from the hospital) I was actually scared to be in a crowded place. That kind of insecurity never happened before Mara died. I felt better after we were able to sit down and just have conversation at our table. Neecers was a perfect friend to talk to and our lunch was really nice. I got a haircut on my way home. It felt wonderful to have someone taking care of me and to feel like I looked nice. I will take every happy moment I can get. Hey look, it’s me, looking like a normal person.

January 5

Tonight we got out of the house and did something fun. It was actually really nice. George was in town and wanted to have dinner, but he didn’t have enough time between the end of his meeting and his flight from Dulles, so we decided to go up to Tysons to have dinner with him, then take a walk around the mall and do a little bit of shopping. Just some time out, doing something that required not just a shower, but some nice clothing and even a bit of makeup. We had a lovely dinner, and George took this picture of me and Aaron with his phone. I was like…hey, that looks like me, feeling happy. I was relieved to see it, really. Aaron tried to keep his eyes open, but George’s phone flash was so bright he couldn’t hang. That’s the monkey hat Aaron got from his uncle George.

After dinner we drove across the way to the mall and I saw that I had a couple of new emails from people expressing their love and support. I read them to Chris as we were driving, and those emails, coupled with our pleasant night out, gave me a much-needed bolster. Just another time when I felt okay, maybe even good, and what I needed was more evidence that those days would be happening more often. We walked around the mall, bought Aaron some shirts in the Disney Store, and bought a new comforter and duvet cover for our room.

Another note about this photo…another example of the small ways your heart breaks every day. In November, I jumped on the Instagram train and put it on my phone. I bought it to take pictures of Mara. I wanted to have it ready for my baby’s arrival, and I imagined all the pictures I would take of her while we were home together. You can’t imagine how many photos I had staged in my mind that I would blissfully post with updates of every tiny baby movement and sound. After she was gone, I just kept seeing that icon on my phone. And it kept staring at me. And I remembered that I took an Instagram photo of Aaron just a couple of days before she died, and that I hadn’t opened it since. And I thought about all the pictures I wouldn’t be taking with it. And I just didn’t want to open it. But, I didn’t delete it, because that would go against my “don’t do anything dramatic out of grief that you will regret later”philosophy. And this picture is the first time I used Instagram after that. Such a stupid, small, thing. An app.

It used to be that seeing a picture of me and Aaron would give me a happy feeling of satisfaction and a parental glow. On this night, the picture was an anchor to reality. I didn’t get the same feeling of happiness from the picture that I would have before Mara died, and that scared me. It still scares me. But I keep looking at it. And even though it means something different than it meant before, it still means everything.

December 4

Oh my, wish I had my real camera for this one! We went to Eric’s EIGHTH (!!!!) birthday party today, and it was an Angry Birds party. Of course, his Grammy made him an AWESOME cake. There are pieces from an Angry Birds game that she used for some of the decorations, and all the birds and pigs are cake balls! SO SO cute!

November 4

Tonight we went to the football game at Edison. The leadership kids hosted a pregame tailgate (boy was it cold!!) and Aaron had fun in the bounce house. I think this was the last home game of the season. It was against Hayfield and we had the pleasure of seeing one of our teacher friends who is now working there. Aaron had fun running around, but he had an even better time once the hot chocolate warmed him up a bit. Just some cell phone pictures tonight.

The new entry tunnel!

…on Daddy’s shoulders

some hot chocolate

October 1

We had kind of a full day planned today, and got a lot accomplished.

First of all, I am so excited that today was Aaron’s first day of t-ball! It technically is just picture day, but coach called and said we would do a short practice after pictures. It was REALLY cold with a chilly wind and we did NOT dress as warmly as we should have.

Aaron had a GREAT time. He was so excited. He did a great job posing for the individual and team pictures, and watching those little guys practice was just too cute. They did some throwing practice, which Aaron picked up quickly, then they all got in a line to run the bases, which was the funniest part. They didn’t run on the baselines, even though their coach was leading them. They ran last first base, causing a huge arc to second, and then cut inside third, only to walk past home plate without touching it. Adorable. Then each boy (there are 10) got a chance to hit and run the bases. While Aaron waited for his turn, he played first base, which is just because that was the place he ran to once he had his glove on, and every time someone hit the ball, he raced to wherever it was to be the first to get it rather than staying on his base. It was hilarious. Finally the assistance coach, who was very lovable, came to coach Aaron on staying on his base, and despite his best intentions, Aaron just couldn’t resist the impulse to race after that ball no matter where on the field it went. We just laughed and laughed. He learned other fine points of playing first base pretty quickly and did a great job. It was so much fun to watch.

Aaron was so independent through the whole thing that I kept getting choked up. No clinging, no reluctance, he just grabbed his gear and ran where he was supposed to go and forgot all about it. I was so proud of him that I couldn’t stand it, and when we got in the car to head home, he sighed and said, “That was awesome,” and I burst into tears. That of course cracked Chris up and caused Aaron to ask, as he often has to,
“Mommy, why are you crying if you’re happy? People only cry when they’re sad.” What a great milestone, and what a big boy.

The only way the day could have gone better was if I had been able to get pictures. Tell me if this has happened to you…you are snapping away on your camera, getting lots of great shots, it’s an important day…and one time, after about 30 minutes of picture taking has passed, you glance down at the view window of your camera and it says “no card”. Where was my card? Here in my laptop, of course. Man that is a terrible feeling, and my heart sinks down to my toes. All the cute pictures I “took” of him holding his bat on his first day, and the pictures I “got” as he raced onto the field, don’t exist. So awful.

I got some cell phone pictures from that point on, but it’s not the same. I will be able to replicate the pictures the next time we go, but I need a system in place. I need an extra card duct taped onto my camera strap for emergencies or something. Here’s what I managed to get, which is better than nothing. (Aaron is in a red sweatshirt)

Grabbing a runaway ball during throwing practice…

running the bases…

Mr. first base, ready for action…

and batting practice…

first ever team huddle *sniff*

After that, we went home to change Aaron into clean clothes and then headed to Dick’s to get him some baseball pants, baseball socks, and a bag. We also went to Target to get him a new pair of school sneakers, since his prior pair was rendered “t-ball only” by the time this practice was over.

Then we headed home for a quick visit from the floor guy since we have some trouble spots, and then Neecers and Fisher came over for a little dinner and hair coloring.

phew! Chris and Ashley and I all fell asleep downstairs.

September 30

Friday…and the most uncomfortable day of my pregnancy so far. Back and diaphragm are killing me even though I managed to sit down for most of the day, and my ankles are HUGE.

But we did do something fun today, because we got paid! We had dinner at 5 Guys and went shopping at Target!

WOOHOO! We realized while walking around that we hadn’t been in Target for the whole month of September because we were working really hard on saving.

Get ready for an awful swollen ankle picture, or better yet, skip the picture if you’re squeamish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

gross.

September 29

Today was Thursday, and my back was hurting pretty bad, but Aaron and I went to the rec center anyway, even though I knew I wouldn’t do much. Sometimes it’s just about getting up and going, know what I mean? Discipline is the BIGGEST thing. So I thought I would try the recumbent bike for the first time since my back hurt, which turns out not to be good for someone who is pregnant as there is nowhere for your knees to go except into your belly. After that fiasco my whole body was hurting so much that I had to just lay down for the rest of the evening. No more recumbent bike until January.

Before all that, though, I had an OB appointment, I am 28 weeks now, and Baby Sister is doing great. After our appointment we scooped up Aaron and went to Montclair Family Restaurant for dinner, which means deeeelicious gyros. It was also our first dinner out of the month, other than my birthday dinner, which we used a gift card for. Let's hear it for PAYDAY!!
Here is our menu, which we were practicing sight words with Aaron on. We were excited about how many he knew. He didn't know the ones that got crossed out.