**this happened in January, I wrote the post in April during Spring Break, and now I’m finally posting it in August. It took a long time to want to sit down and write about it, and after I did I was completely drained and felt like I had to stay away from it for a while. Yesterday was our eighth wedding anniversary, it’s a special week, I’m feeling good. I’m ready.**
We got up the morning of the 7th and showered and got ready. I brought two dresses to choose from with plenty of things to layer under and over them. Chris was a little surprised to see that I had brought dresses. When I was packing, I knew that we would be taking a lot of pictures, and this was the closest thing that my daughter was going to have to a funeral or a service…and I wanted it to be special in every way. So I wore a purple dress, and did my hair, and put on jewelry.
The night before, I told Chris that I was very afraid about opening the box that held Mara’s ashes. I didn’t know what they would look like, or if there would be recognizable pieces of bone in with the ashes. Would some be stuck to the underside lid of the box because of static? If so, would some of them drift out on their own? How did the box even open? Were they sloshing around in the box? What if I opened it wrong and some of them spilled? I was afraid that we would get up there in the windy mountains, and I would open that box for the first time and be completely freaked out by what the ashes looked like. I didn’t want to cause something bad to happen to the ashes out of shock or revulsion and then not be able to do what we had planned. I had sat up in that small dark hotel room while Chris slept and kept looking over at that box, and I doubted myself and our decision. Did I really want to let those ashes go? It was her body, and we had have so little of her, and maybe we shouldn’t let it go. Maybe I just couldn’t. I know I have said this before, but…my baby’s body was in a box. It’s incomprehensible. Chris said that he would open the box and look inside at the ashes and tell me what they were like so I wouldn’t be shocked. He did that this morning. Of course he did. He can always do the hardest things with so much calm and strength. It turned out that inside the box, the ashes were in a plastic bag that also contained a certification of identity that we and the funeral home had signed.
We went downstairs for breakfast. It wasn’t any good, but we didn’t have any appetite anyway. We drove from Luray to the Thornton Gap entrance to Skyline Drive. Our plan was to head south and check out some of the overlooks I had researched. We stopped at Mary's Rock Tunnel Overlook, Hazel Mountain Overlook, and then Pinnacles Overlook. We loved Pinnacles, because it had everything we were looking for. There were two more overlooks to the south we wanted to check just in case, Jewell Hollow and Hemlock Springs. They were pretty, but we really loved Pinnacles, so we turned around and headed back north to just south of mile marker 35, to the Pinnacles Overlook. We saw lots of deer on the way and enjoyed the beauty of the mountains so much during our drive.
We wanted a spot that had plenty of space for us to walk down from the other side of the barrier wall and away from the road, as per regulations, and then a steep slope down to a sweeping view. Pinnacles Overlook had all of that, with an incredible view. It also had just the wind we needed to carry Mara’s ashes up and out over the beautiful valley so that she could be a part of the sky.
We talked a lot about the pictures we wanted to take of our special time in mountains with Mara. I was so grateful that Chris felt the same way I did about taking pictures. I had some distinct and gorgeous images in my mind of Chris and I with our arms outstretched with the wind carrying Mara’s ashes up and away, and I wanted very much to capture those so we could keep them. I knew that setting up the camera and tripod and releasing Mara’s ashes a little at a time so we could take pictures would seem awkward and staged, but we have learned through our experiences that you have GOT to take the pictures when you can. No matter how strange or creepy or morbid it seems then, it must be done. Even if we didn’t want to look at them for years, or ever, we would at least have them. But if you don’t take them, you will never have them. Chris and I were of the same mind as we prepared for the specific photographs we wanted. We took our time.
First, it was my turn to lift some of Mara’s ashes up into the air. Chris held onto me as we opened the container. We had opened the bag while we were still in the car so the wind would not swirl the ashes around before we were ready. Once we opened the container outside, the ashes began to swirl immediately. We both started to cry. Chris stood back at the camera and when it was time, I could barely make myself lift my arms. It was the hardest, most painful thing I have ever had to make myself do. The first time I did it, the wind shifted and blew some of the ashes back towards me, as I had been scared of, and I just couldn’t make myself continue. I lowered my arms and my head and Chris came over to stand with me. We stood together for a few minutes and waited for the wind to change. This is when we took the pictures of us standing together looking out over the valley. When I looked at the pictures Chris took of my first try, I could see that I hadn’t lifted my arms high enough, so the ashes couldn’t come out of the container to be carried by the wind. I tried it again, and although it was still hard, I reached high above my head and saw the wind carry the ashes up and away. I felt immediately relieved.
When it was Chris’ turn, he was able to do what I had not, send Mara’s ashes flying far up into the sky, weightless and part of the wind. It actually took my breath away to see the ashes in the air being carried away, and I got amazing photos of Chris during that brave, painful, beautiful scene that was over in an instant. Chris stood there for a minute alone and then came back to where I was. We quickly packed up the camera and tripod in the car and then went back to sit together and look out over the valley for a long while. Other cars pulled up, people got out and took pictures, and we just stayed and looked and held onto each other. We let the rest of her ashes go when we were alone again. We talked about how beautiful the place was, and that even in cold January. After all the ashes were gone and we sat and sat, we both noticed that the wind got warmer. The sun was shining on us, the wind was warm, and we felt like Mara was with us and like we had done the right thing. We talked to Mara, we talked to each other, and after a while, we walked around a bit to take some pictures of the sign marking the overlook. Then we got back in the car to keep driving north out of the park and back towards home.
As we drove, Chris talked a lot of about how much he wanted to come back to the mountains often with our family to do fun things and visit Pinnacles. We planned on getting an annual pass and coming back all throughout the year so we could see what Pinnacles looks like through all the different seasonal changes. We know it will be gorgeous throughout the year and it will be wonderful to see it grow and change every year. We would also love to start bringing Aaron for some camping and hiking. Someday, we will show this spot to Aaron and talk to him about how Mara got lifted up into the sky, just like he said it did the morning after she died. We talked about how we loved that the place we chose is a beautiful, living place, not a mournful, dead place. With every minute that passed and every mile we drove, we felt more and more peaceful about our decision. Nothing can ever make this easier, be we want to have happy lives and remember all the happiness that Mara brought us while we were together. We felt more settles as we drove back home and resolved to always remind ourselves of what that felt like when we had difficult times and to deeply invest in time spent with Aaron. I told Chris it was the best I had felt since Christmas Day. We enjoyed our drive home, chatting only off and on, and shortly after we got home I looked at the pictures we took. They are just incredible and we will always treasure them. Here is one precious photo that we want to share.
That evening after we got home, we prepared Dad’s birthday dinner, which was mostly Thanksgiving-ish, and enjoyed a great dinner and some birthday cake.
