This was a really rough day for me. It was dark and cold and rainy all day and I wanted to be outside and see the sun. Chris and I haven’t been sleeping well, and Chris is especially exhausted from being back at work. I spent some time attacking a long to-do list I had been making for my maternity leave…I figured since I’m still at home I could at least accomplish some things. I saw a young boy and his little sister walking to the bus stop this morning and it choked me to tears. Aaron and I both had dentist appointments today and while the dentist had her hand in my mouth, she asked me that perennial harmless question, “Is he your only child?” It was the first time I had been asked that question by a stranger since Mara died and I found myself in the horrible position of having to decide how I would answer in that particular situation. With her hand in my mouth, and the sensation that my chest had been sliced open by her question, I answered, “yes” but I knew in that very same instant it was not the right answer. I had thought it would be easier to say yes that to explain the whole story to someone I didn’t know while having my teeth cleaned, but it wasn’t easier at all. It felt like I was denying my girl, and I knew I would never, ever answer that way again, no matter how awkward or inconvenient it may be to give a fuller answer. Now, writing this eight months later, I can say that conviction has been put to the test and I always say that I also have a daughter who was stillborn. It usually results in the other conversational party being stunned silent, then fumbling for words of apology. I hope that by breaking through that barrier myself I can help others to do the same.
(clean teeth!)
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