December 11

This is another post that is very hard for me to make. On this day we spent a good amount of time taking our family Christmas card photo. It took A LOT of tries, but we eventually got one we were pleased with. Pretty cute photo, right?

Well, we went out of our way to show my pregnant belly in this photo and then our card said how excited we were to be welcoming our new baby girl just in time for Christmas.

We did not send out our Christmas cards. I haven’t looked at this picture since Mara died, and seeing it now, knowing that in this picture she was alive, healthy and tumbling all around inside me like she did everyday, it hurts more than I can begin to explain. Just like all the pictures I have seen of myself pregnant since we lost Mara, that seems like a different person, in a different lifetime. That smiling family had no idea about the tragedy was going to occur, and there is no going back to the way life was before she died. We are forever changed, and no matter how much time passes or how many happy moments we are able to enjoy as we adjust to our “new normal,” we will always miss her, and miss the feelings of anticipation and happiness we felt on this day, and every day before December 17th.

December 2

Today we made a little trip to the hospital because of a concern about my blood pressure. Last night, probably due to my cough and sinus infection, I had some blurry/moving spots in my vision and saw some funky colors. I put myself right to bed, and this morning at school I went into the clinic to have my blood pressure taken. It wasn’t what you would call “high blood pressure” but it was elevated compared to what I have been having at my doctor appointments each month. So I rested for an hour, had it taken again, and it was even higher. When I called L & D at Ft. Belvoir they said we should just come in to get checked out, so we skedaddled over to do that. Everyone there was great, I was put on monitors, and our little lady was moving around like crazy, like she has been the whole time, and once my blood pressure was stable for about two hours we went home. The thought was that it was related to me being sick, but I was also have mild contractions that I couldn’t feel the whole time, and the doctor said that could have also caused my blood pressure to be elevated. Here I am, being calm.

December 1

I don’t have a picture for today, but now that December has ended I can say that once December started, my pregnancy comfort switch was flipped to OFF! I felt huge, I couldn’t sleep, everything hurt, you know how it is. I came home every day from school and needed to just put up my feet and rest, and to top it all off, I had a horrible cough and developed a sinus infection. Can you imagine how hard it is to keep from peeing on yourself when you are 8 months pregnant with a hacking cough? *impossible*

November 30

I think today may rate as my biggest ankle day so far. I mean really…that is horrible.

November 28

This is truly a family treasure. The night of 11/27 I watched a birth video with Aaron. He was upset to learn that he will not be allowed in the room during baby sister’s delivery and he doesn’t want to miss anything. I thought that maybe I could show him about how baby sister will come out and explain that the delivery room can be crowded and busy, and that after she comes out and is all cleaned up, then he would be able to come visit. He is such a smart, curious guy, and although I didn’t show him anything especially disturbing, it was the whole delivery, and he did ask a lot of questions :) He was really into it, loved to learn about it, and when the video was over he asked Chris, “Daddy, are you going to help Mommy hold her leg and brush her hair back?” It was such a sweet thing to share with him and I hope that learning more about the process helps him feel more at ease. Knowledge is power.

The next day at school, Aaron drew this picture. Adorable, and yet graphic as only a child can express.

In the middle is a bed, with me on it, and baby sister next to me, see how she is little? My legs are up (wow, Aaron, great detail, and there is some blood on the bed.) The other brown person is “Daddy, helping Mommy and holding a leg” and the green person on the other side of the bed is “the doctor with his doctor hat on.” Finally, at the foot of the bed, is a very happy Aaron. “I can be there because baby sister is already out.”

It breaks my heart to think of this picture now. I still have it, and I will always keep it, but I haven’t thought about it in a couple of weeks and even though it is really hard, I have to remember how it warmed our hearts when he described this picture when we picked him up from school that day. That story will always be special even though Mara is not with us today. Another one of the many dimensions of our horrible loss is the excitement Aaron felt for his baby sister’s arrival and all the ways he expressed that. Everything about this is hard and sad.

November 23

To commemorate hitting 36 weeks pregnant, a pretty important milestone, I asked my hubby to come out back in the brisk fall day and take some photos of me. I love how they turned out, and I think he did a GREAT job. We will treasure these photos.

November 19

Well, we had a big busy fun day planned for today. First, it was Aaron’s last t-ball game of his season.

The highlight was the trophy ceremony after the game. SO darn cute. The coach got a trophy for each player with their name on it and Aaron was just so proud. He carried that daggone thing around for days.

Here’s Aaron with his coaches. They were great guys.

This was so fun to watch, and we are really pleased with how the season turned out. There were some parts that were pretty challenging for him, but he learned a lot, and being part of a group like this is something we really want him to have experiences with.

Ashley and I left straight from the field to go to a baby lunch that Neecers hosted to celebrate the upcoming arrival of our sweet girl.

The flash made some of the details hard to see, but we got this sweet little cable knit sweater from our friend Angie.

and this beautiful blanket made by our friend Vanessa’s mom. It is so cushy and soft!

 

And this adorable Rams cheerleader outfit from Cari. This gift was obviously a hit with Chris too :)

and…who doesn’t love a pair of butterfly bottom pants? This set was from Neecers.

Now, looking at these pictures is so hard. I wish our baby girl was wearing these clothes now. The person you see opening these gifts and smiling seems like a completely different person than the one typing this post, in fact that day seems like a whole different lifetime. Even so, like I said in an earlier post, I don’t want to erase these happy memories just because of the pain I feel now. In fact, I want to get to the point where I can have the happy memories right alongside the pain. That could be years from now, but I’m trying.

When Ashley and I got home from the baby lunch, Chris and Courtney were hard at work building a new apparatus for our Christmas Village. Our furniture has changed a bit since last year, and there is a different couch in the place where the village goes, and we saw right away when we took out the supplies that it wouldn’t work the same way with the different couch. So Chris hatched an idea and got to work on it, and it is awesome!

November 2

Here is Aaron in his brand new Sam Bradford jersey that arrived today. We had a heck of a time finding one, but Chris finally did and now Aaron has a jersey like everyone else in our household. He is really excited and is planning to wear it every Sunday.

Here is Aaron on his laptop just like Mommy and Daddy. Lap desk and all.

As you may already know, our beautiful daughter Mara was still-born on December 17th. I have been absent from social media and blogging and scrapping and all of those things since that time. I felt ready to make a post today, but I know that some of the pictures I have coming up for November and December blog posts will be about baby-related topics. Although it will be difficult, I am committed to posting the same pictures I would have posted if she was still with us because anticipating her arrival and being excited about her birth is not something I want to erase from our memories just because she is not with us today.

I ask that if you wish to contact us about our daughter’s passing, which we welcome, you do so via email (at mermaid913 at aol dot com) rather than here in the blog comments or on facebook. We are very grateful for all the love and support we have received from our family and friends during this horribly painful time.

October 28

I had an OB appointment today, and just to get in the mood, I wandered around Babies R Us afterward just gazing at baby things :) I found a few items I liked.

 

September 30

Friday…and the most uncomfortable day of my pregnancy so far. Back and diaphragm are killing me even though I managed to sit down for most of the day, and my ankles are HUGE.

But we did do something fun today, because we got paid! We had dinner at 5 Guys and went shopping at Target!

WOOHOO! We realized while walking around that we hadn’t been in Target for the whole month of September because we were working really hard on saving.

Get ready for an awful swollen ankle picture, or better yet, skip the picture if you’re squeamish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

gross.

September 29

Today was Thursday, and my back was hurting pretty bad, but Aaron and I went to the rec center anyway, even though I knew I wouldn’t do much. Sometimes it’s just about getting up and going, know what I mean? Discipline is the BIGGEST thing. So I thought I would try the recumbent bike for the first time since my back hurt, which turns out not to be good for someone who is pregnant as there is nowhere for your knees to go except into your belly. After that fiasco my whole body was hurting so much that I had to just lay down for the rest of the evening. No more recumbent bike until January.

Before all that, though, I had an OB appointment, I am 28 weeks now, and Baby Sister is doing great. After our appointment we scooped up Aaron and went to Montclair Family Restaurant for dinner, which means deeeelicious gyros. It was also our first dinner out of the month, other than my birthday dinner, which we used a gift card for. Let's hear it for PAYDAY!!
Here is our menu, which we were practicing sight words with Aaron on. We were excited about how many he knew. He didn't know the ones that got crossed out.