February 19-25

December 21-our open house

Today was really about our open house. I didn’t take any pictures from this night…it just seemed too strange. I don’t regret that decision at this point, but I do need to sit down and make a list of the people who came to see us. We asked Scott to let our friends at Edison know about our open house, which was really about a visit to us, not a visitation to Mara’s body. It was a risky thing, and we didn’t know how it would go, what it would feel like, or how many people we would see. There are people close to us who have experienced losses of their own, or who are currently expecting children themselves, and we couldn’t guess who might just think it was too sad a thing to come to an open house and make pleasantries. People don’t know what to say…but we don’t either. We just wanted to try something, and this was something that made sense to us and felt like our style. In a situation like this, you can only do what feels right to you, because there is not a map for this journey.

Chris and my Dad went to Costco and got plenty of food and my Mom and Ashley worked on cleaning the main level of the house. I wore purple, to feel connected to my girl, and just waited to see what would happen. When people started arriving, and more people kept arriving, bringing flowers and food and hugs…it was an incredible thing, and Chris and I recognize that it was one of the most special experiences of our lives. It got pretty noisy in the house…everyone was together and talking. I stayed seated the whole evening after trying to stand for the first 20 minutes and finding it too hard on my whole incision area. People would come and sit next to me and talk to me for a few minutes and then get up and continue mingling while someone new would come and sit beside me. All in all I count about 45 people who came that night.

It was just amazing in so many ways.

First…The love and support truly helps. A thing about grieving…you don’t want anyone you care about to experience the pain you’re feeling, but at the same time, it is comforting to know that others want to help carry the burden. Man we felt loved that night, no doubt about it. We are so fortunate to be part of such an incredible group of people and if I made a gift casserole every night for the rest of my life it would never be enough to repay every one of our colleagues and friends who came that evening to give us their love and support.

Second…it gave us a chance to talk about Mara, about the things that happened the night she died, and about how we were feeling at that stage in our grieving process. For me, talking is part of healing. I know that socializing the grief is not everyone’s way…but I needed that just as much as I needed time to cry alone.

Third…many people from Ashley’s school came to support her as well. It was extremely heartwarming to see her community of friends and the way she has had an impact on the people she works with. I appreciated their presence very much.

Fourth…Aaron got to play with Lainy and Cameron. I loved to see them running around and having a good time. It felt normal. Normal moments add up, and people told me those moments would become more frequent with time. I have found that to be true.

Finally, and most importantly, it reminded us of our lives, of what we did and what we were before this awful thing happened to us, and of the things that were important to us. It was like seeing yourself in a mirror after a long day at work. You may see a haggard and worn person there, but at least it’s familiar. And that was a feeling that I let wash over me all night. Oh that’s right, these are my friends. They complimented our Christmas tree, oh that’s right, Christmas is coming. They talked about what was going on at school, oh that’s right, we love our jobs. I was very numb and overwhelmed that night…I had the feeling I was disconnected, floating over the room watching myself sit there and smile and nod and answer questions, but it was the first time I felt like there was really hope for us to live through this and come out on the other side with happy lives. That’s what our open house did for us.

When we went up to bed that night, completely exhausted, we reflected on the night and how it had turned out to be exactly what we needed. I felt so hopeful and loved that night. The next couple days were horrible and difficult and I felt so low, but the love from that night has lasted, and bolsters me in my saddest moments. So many people were ready to love our sweet girl. They have all taken that love and passed it to us when we needed it most.

It’s time to go back to work

I haven’t been able to make all the posts from the time I have been on leave yet, but they will be coming. However, I feel very strongly about making this post as I take this ultimate step in healing, returning to work.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the morning after Mara died, when I was watching that beautiful sunrise, the thought crossed my mind that I may never want to teach again. Because I want to be patient and open through the whole grieving process, I never mentally scold myself for any thoughts I have along the way, no matter how alarming they may be. That morning when everything was so raw and foreign, I thought that maybe I would never be strong enough to teach again. It takes an awful lot of mettle, especially when you love it. It also takes an incredible emotional investment  in other people, colleagues and students, and that sometimes results in disappointment and heartbreak. I realized that having such a public job, so focused on people, and so surrounded by people, would mean that many people were touched by our loss and that going back to school would mean facing a crushing flood of memories. I considered that it could possibly be time to transition to something less public and and less stressful. Something that actually started at 9 and truly ended at 5, where I could show up, do a simple job, and go home. While I was laying in that bed watching that sunrise and having those thoughts, the core of me that was buried far below layers of shock shouted something about how the Earth must have tilted on its axis for me to think such things and that it was contrary to everything I have wanted and planned for…but so was Mara’s death. I decided to wait it out and see how I felt. I was afraid, I know that. I was afraid of not knowing myself, and not being able to go back to the way life was. Of course we can’t go back, and that is a large part of what we grieve. We can’t let it go, we can’t set the burden down. We have to simply move forward with it.

I have come to realize that there are many hard things about going back to work. The very fact that I can be at work is a constant reminder that I’m not at home with Mara. It will hurt, and help, to face all the students who I knew before this happened and who were there with me sharing the journey of my pregnancy. I went in for the teacher workdays as I had planned to do anyway, and it hurt to see colleagues avoid eye contact because they don’t know what to say. It hurts to imagine that when people look at me they think, “oh how sad, she’s never been quite the same since her daughter died.” Well, I’m not the same. I feel quieter, slower somehow. What if the things that are different about me cause my relationships to change? I’m sensitive and raw…and conflicts come up constantly in teaching. What if I burst into tears when a student speaks to me in a disrespectful way? What if I just can’t hang anymore? What if I have no spark and the parts of my personality that used to allow me to connect with my students have been damaged, and that ability is gone?

And worst of all, going back to school means that life is going on…without Mara. Facing the memories that school holds of pregnancy and planning for her arrival in our family is painful, but taking another step away from her is the hardest thing I have ever had to make myself do. In many ways it is far easier to stay here at home and let myself think about her all day, look at her things whenever I want to, and cry whenever the tears come. Moving forward without her hurts so much and is so hard, which is how I know it is exactly what I need to do.

The video below, along with a booklet of all the signs the students are holding up in the video, was given to Chris by his leadership students when he went back to work on January 3rd. We looked through it all together, along with countless other cards, notes and emails that we received from our colleagues and students at Edison expressing their sorrow for our loss and their willingness to reach out and help us bear our burden of pain. Although I know some of these students casually because they are in Chris' class, I have only had a few of them in class myself. As leadership students, they are committed to bettering themselves and our school with their creativity and service, and as you will see, they are nothing less than inspiring. I just love them for it.

Watch this. Period. And turn up your sound.

Watch it if you are mourning Mara's death.

Watch it if you are thinking teenagers are a blight on humanity.

Watch it if you know these kids because you teach them too.

Watch it if you just need to feel a little love.

Love, Leadership

This is why we can take a step forward and go back to school. This is what I think of in the dark of night when I am alone and lost. This is why we teach, and this is how I knew that going back to work was the right thing for me to do. If our daughter saw this, she would be proud of her parents, proud that we make a difference in people's lives, and that we are part of a community of love and support that we both contribute to and benefit from. Going back to work is about being the best version of myself that I can be. It's part of who I am. THAT is how I honor Mara and serve as a role model for Aaron. I have had my time for crying and screaming and silence and solitude. While the deep feelings of grief and the pain of this loss will always be with us, I know I can still have a happy life, and that teaching is part of it.

November 22

Today is the last day of no-shave record keeping. The contest isn’t actually lasting the entire month (although some purists found that unacceptable and kept it going), it’s only lasting until Thanksgiving break, so here is the last set of hairy pictures! Not sure why they are holding a football…probably just to be goofy.

Here’s some close-ups.

Mike, a “purist” who refused to trim or even get a haircut, and he kept it going all the way through DECEMBER!

Fisher, who grows facial hair like this every year for hunting season anyway…

Redbeard…aka TJ

Jojo and Chris

Racek (who actually had a three day head start, if you can believe it…)

And the winner of the EHS No-Shave November contest…

Greg Hinton, team teacher extraordinaire! (he’s trying to look stern…not really believable!)

Here are the slightly disturbing photos of Chris’ shaving progress…

Shave stage 1 (aka the Caleb)

Shave stage 2 (aka 80’s guy…I could NOT stomach this look past having to take a picture)

Shave stage 3 (aka what a relief, there’s my man!)

November 14

We were missing someone in the last no-shave pic, and most of them turned out goofy, so here’s the update. Look at those rascals! Hubby on the very left side!

November 11

This picture makes me so happy. Chris’ leadership classes are sponsoring a No-Shave November fundraiser at school. Participants paid 5 dollars to enter and got their freshly-shaved faces photographed on November 1st. Then they let their facial hair grow and they will be judged at the end of the month based on awesome beard growth. It just so happens that 8 of the 13 faculty participating are in our social studies department. I love our department. We are so fortunate to work with such an amazing group of people, and in situations like this we are reminded how invested our department is in the good of the school and supporting each other. We were missing a teacher for this picture and none of them came out very well because they were all too busy laughing, but I love them anyway. Here is the facial hair progress so far.

October 29

Today we braved some REALLY crappy weather (it actually SNOWED!) to go up to Edison for the Haunted Halloway hosted by one of Chris’ leadership classes. It was a little Halloween fair of sorts for little ones. Colleen and Cameron came too, and Belle and the Brave Knight had a nice time walking around and playing games.

October 19-20

I participated in these days too…just don’t have any pictures to prove it. Walt Disney Wednesday and Twin Thursday. darnit.

October 18

Team Tuesday…Looking cute in our jerseys!

October 17

This is the start of Homecoming Week at our school, and I am going to participate in the dress-up days. Today was “Morning Monday,” a day for jammies. It was hard to me to find jammies that were full-coverage enough to wear to school, so I ended up just wearing loungewear instead. It was a comfy day in any case :)

October 12

Luckily, this is a bit of an easy week at school because of a strange schedule. I took this picture as reference for later because I had to erase the board, but it works nicely for the blog too! This is part of the whiteboard in my classroom, with some world history team planning on it. Good stuff, huh?

September 21

No pictures…it was Back to School night. I’m exhausted and my whole body hurts. It’s a hard day when you’re NOT 6 1/2 months pregnant. We were at school from 6:30 am-9:00pm. ouch.

September 8

MAN we are tired. Going back to school is really hard on everybody because we get up pretty early and are active all day. It takes some time to adjust, and getting up at 5:30 is never really easy for Aaron. He looked SO SO tired when I picked him up today. Look at his dark circles.

September 6

Well, it’s our first day of school! Today at Edison all the teachers are wearing our Edison t-shirts, which is definitely a big change for us, but turned out to be pretty fun. We also looked cute with our boy for morning pictures. Unfortunately it is dark when we leave in the morning so there was no cute photo on the front steps to be had.

But we did get some fun and silly shots on the couch.

and after school when Ash got home, we got some more shots!

And then Aaron took some pictures of me and Ash together. He did a great job!

He posed us for some other shots, which was CRACKING us up!!

“How about you guys look at each other and talk to each other on phones with your hands?”

“Okay now Ash you be a lion and Mommy you be a zebra.” (how does one “be” a zebra???")

“Okay now hold these Lego knights.”

and now some with Chris…

and for an afterschool activity today…Aaron wanted to play some games :) Here we are in his playroom.

September 1

Today Chris had to stay at school late for the 9th grade parent orientation and that was a perfect opportunity for me to stay late and do more work since the first three days of teacher workweek are completely full of meetings and training stuff. So instead of Aaron going to Minnieland today, he came to school with us and we were there until 7:30 at night. He worked his little bottom off running around and helping and socializing with teacher friends. His biggest job of the day was unloading a cart of textbooks for me in my room. He wore himself out, and when we were headed home, he grabbed Chris’ neck pillow (way too big for him) and a blanket and said, “Guys, I’m going to take a little snoozer until we get home.” And he was OUT for the night. Look at his little noggin all the way forward against his chest!

April 26

Here’s a lovely shot of some creative gum artwork on the bottom of my brand new classroom desks. Freshmen are awesome. Yes, that gum is actually holding a pencil to the bottom of the desk so someone can always have one when they need it.

March 31

Well, its Thursday, and that means I’m grading. Here is tonight’s pile. yikes.

March 7

Oh my GOODNESS, I am so excited today! This is my first day in my new classroom! I have moved back in the building after being in a trailer classroom since the start of the school year. We got 5 hours to come in yesterday and set up the rooms, so I am not done yet, but I LOVE it so far! The back wall of windows looks out on a beautiful courtyard. I will take some more pictures when its all ready and sunny.

February 26

Today we went to a memorial service for an Edison graduate who died in a car crash, and Aaron stayed over with Colleen and Cameron. Afterwards, we went over to have dinner with their fam. We had a really nice time just sitting around and socializing, and we got to see Colleen and Scott’s new house.

This is how we found them when we got back…they were icing cookies that they made.

 

They have a little lake by their house and we went for a walk. They are in a really nice neighborhood.

I’m thinking engagement photos…whatdya think?

The Hawkins also came over for dinner, turns out they live right down the street from Colleen and Scott’s new house, and we haven’t seen them since Cameron’s birthday party in September! Here are the kids, Cameron, Aaron, Ben and Molly, watching Bolt while we sit at the table behind them and socialize. Ben let us know a few times that we were talking and laughing too loud and they couldn’t hear the movie.

January 3

Well, today was the end of a break in more ways than one! We went back to work after the Christmas holiday, and let’s just say…it wasn’t the smoothest day ever! Chris was moved from a trailer class to a brand new renovated classroom over the break with no time to unpack and get settled before class started today, and you can imagine how challenging it would be to teach effectively in such a situation. Not to mention many teachers had things taken to the wrong rooms, etc…and that was just a MESS! I am still feeling a bit sick as well. My back felt MUCH better today, but my cough was killing me the second half of the day and I didn’t have the ability to get water. (I am still in a trailer, you see, and will be until…the end of January or maybe Spring Break.) While I was walking from the car to my room this morning, my coffee mug spilled into my box of packets and projects belonging to my students. giant sigh. Chris and I USED to be adjoining, and now that he is back in the building, I have an empty room on side of me, so I used that to spread out all my student’s coffee soaked work. I was very fortunate to have such a spot!
Also, it was back to school for me personally as well. After an incredibly stress-free two months over the holidays, I have started a new grad school class today, HIS588, History of Religion. I am VERY much looking forward to this course content, it is just about my favorite thing to study in the world (besides Persia) and I logged in today to find that my campus (which is online) has adopted a whole new platform that seems MUCH more intuitive and user friendly. Check it out!

We are tired…going back to school is always hard, and Chris had to stay up and watch the Rams game last night (which didn’t end well) and Aaron must still be on CA time because he didn’t fall asleep until 11:30! He just kept getting out of bed over and over…and was NOT sleepy!
Well, I have a busy evening ahead. Time to get our Costco rotisserie chicken heated for dinner, chop up a Greek salad, put my roomba to work and get some grading/grad school/scrapping time in!