Today was really about our open house. I didn’t take any pictures from this night…it just seemed too strange. I don’t regret that decision at this point, but I do need to sit down and make a list of the people who came to see us. We asked Scott to let our friends at Edison know about our open house, which was really about a visit to us, not a visitation to Mara’s body. It was a risky thing, and we didn’t know how it would go, what it would feel like, or how many people we would see. There are people close to us who have experienced losses of their own, or who are currently expecting children themselves, and we couldn’t guess who might just think it was too sad a thing to come to an open house and make pleasantries. People don’t know what to say…but we don’t either. We just wanted to try something, and this was something that made sense to us and felt like our style. In a situation like this, you can only do what feels right to you, because there is not a map for this journey.
Chris and my Dad went to Costco and got plenty of food and my Mom and Ashley worked on cleaning the main level of the house. I wore purple, to feel connected to my girl, and just waited to see what would happen. When people started arriving, and more people kept arriving, bringing flowers and food and hugs…it was an incredible thing, and Chris and I recognize that it was one of the most special experiences of our lives. It got pretty noisy in the house…everyone was together and talking. I stayed seated the whole evening after trying to stand for the first 20 minutes and finding it too hard on my whole incision area. People would come and sit next to me and talk to me for a few minutes and then get up and continue mingling while someone new would come and sit beside me. All in all I count about 45 people who came that night.
It was just amazing in so many ways.
First…The love and support truly helps. A thing about grieving…you don’t want anyone you care about to experience the pain you’re feeling, but at the same time, it is comforting to know that others want to help carry the burden. Man we felt loved that night, no doubt about it. We are so fortunate to be part of such an incredible group of people and if I made a gift casserole every night for the rest of my life it would never be enough to repay every one of our colleagues and friends who came that evening to give us their love and support.
Second…it gave us a chance to talk about Mara, about the things that happened the night she died, and about how we were feeling at that stage in our grieving process. For me, talking is part of healing. I know that socializing the grief is not everyone’s way…but I needed that just as much as I needed time to cry alone.
Third…many people from Ashley’s school came to support her as well. It was extremely heartwarming to see her community of friends and the way she has had an impact on the people she works with. I appreciated their presence very much.
Fourth…Aaron got to play with Lainy and Cameron. I loved to see them running around and having a good time. It felt normal. Normal moments add up, and people told me those moments would become more frequent with time. I have found that to be true.
Finally, and most importantly, it reminded us of our lives, of what we did and what we were before this awful thing happened to us, and of the things that were important to us. It was like seeing yourself in a mirror after a long day at work. You may see a haggard and worn person there, but at least it’s familiar. And that was a feeling that I let wash over me all night. Oh that’s right, these are my friends. They complimented our Christmas tree, oh that’s right, Christmas is coming. They talked about what was going on at school, oh that’s right, we love our jobs. I was very numb and overwhelmed that night…I had the feeling I was disconnected, floating over the room watching myself sit there and smile and nod and answer questions, but it was the first time I felt like there was really hope for us to live through this and come out on the other side with happy lives. That’s what our open house did for us.
When we went up to bed that night, completely exhausted, we reflected on the night and how it had turned out to be exactly what we needed. I felt so hopeful and loved that night. The next couple days were horrible and difficult and I felt so low, but the love from that night has lasted, and bolsters me in my saddest moments. So many people were ready to love our sweet girl. They have all taken that love and passed it to us when we needed it most.
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